


Take my Hand, Take my Heart

by bloomissing



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Mom, Blood Content Warning, Bro Mention, Bros Become Boyfriends, But it's Okay They're Still Learning, Dave and Karkat Step On Each Other's Emotional Toes a Lot, Friends to Lovers, Hemospectrum-Related Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, Issues with Gender Roles, M/M, Mental Illness, Meteorstuck, Pale Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Quadrant Confusion, Red Romance, Slow Build, non-quadromantic Karkat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:18:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7316794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloomissing/pseuds/bloomissing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And it feels like a dream as you walk over to him and hold out your hand, and he takes it in his, and you pull him up to stand. He wipes his eyes and looks away, tries to make a joke but you don’t hear it. You feel like you’re really seeing him for the first time, no shades to hide his face anymore.</p><p>You never realized he’d look like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Midnight Misery Buddies

**== > Be Dave. **

Your name is Dave Strider. Your chest is tight and achy, making you squeeze out every breath, and tinny high-pitched sound rings distantly in your ears. You try to move your arms, your legs, but there’s a disconnect between your body and what your brain is telling it to do. Where are you, what’s happening? You force your eyes open and you have fuzzy grey tunnel vision until slowly, slowly, you don’t. You can see and you can hear and feel, and what you see is a sea of asphalt stretching out in front of you, what you hear is your own heavy breathing and heart pounding, and what you feel is the heavy weight of your sword’s hilt in your hand and gravel digging into your cheek. Your brain is moving at quarter-speed but you manage to clumsily force the puzzle pieces together: you are facedown on the roof of your apartment in the hot Texas sun, in the middle of a strife.

And you know this can’t be real, because you’re on the meteor and Earth is gone and your apartment is gone and your Bro is dead and gone.

But the thought that this can’t be real is also gone, because someone is standing over you, and _fuck fuck get up you can’t stay down Dave get up get up._ You try to wrap your fingers around the hilt of your sword, you try to push yourself off the ground and face him so that you’re not vulnerable, but your body won’t move the way you want it to and you can’t even turn your head to look at him. You’re not sure that you would even want to. You feel something come down hard on the small of your back, pressing, taking all the breath out of you, and your vision closes in on itself again.

 _This is what happens when you lose, little bro_.

You wake with a start. It takes you a few nauseating seconds to remember where you are, and to realize that what just happened was just an extraordinarily shitty dream bubble you happened to catch. Not like most of your dream bubbles aren’t some degree of shitty. Fuck, you really really hate that even though what happened in your apartment feels like ages ago, the way it felt can still come rushing back to you in a second, like you never even left. Your god tier PJs and bedsheets stick to your skin with sweat, and it feels like an oven under your blankets. You peel them off and prop yourself up against the wall, and start to feel a little more normal, a little more under control. You are on the meteor, you are safe, and Bro and Texas and that stupid rooftop are all literally in another universe. You check your phone for the time and see a message from Karkat, sent less than a minute ago. A fantastic distaction.

\--- **carcinoGeneticist** started pestering **turnTechnologic** at **2:29am** \---

**TG: HEY DAVE, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: i am now**

**TG: whats up**

**TG: OH SHIT, SORRY. I DIDN’T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP.**

**TG: JUST, GO BACK TO SLEEP. LET THE HUMAN SAND LUSUS THROW MAGIC SLUMBERDUST INTO YOUR EYES OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.**

**TG: oh man**

**TG: that awful alien butchering of sandman would be hilarious if i werent so groggy**

**TG: but yeah no im not going back to sleep**

**TG: WHY THE FUCK NOT IF YOU’RE SO TIRED?**

**TG: I CAN WAIT TO TALK UNTIL YOU WAKE UP.**

**TG: idk man**

**TG: i just have a hard time going to sleep once im up**

**TG: anyway im awake now**

**TG: so whats going on**

**TG: NOTHING MUCH REALLY. THE BOREDOM IN THIS INSUFFERABLE METEOR WAS JUST GIVING ME A HEADACHE AND I WANTED SOMEONE TO SHARE IN MY MISERY.**

**TG: congratulations bro you got your wish**

**TG: OH, SHUT UP, STRIDER. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP.**

**TG: haha yeah i know**

**TG: still fun to guilt you about it though**

**TG: WOW, YOU REALLY ARE A BULGEMUNCH.**

**TG: YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND. I’M JUST GOING TO GO BACK TO MY RECUPERACOON AND SPEND THE REST OF MY INDETERMINABLE NUMBER OF HOURS OF INSOMNIA HAPPILY STRIDER-FREE.**

**TG: oh come on karkat**

**TG: you didnt even wake me up, i was already awake**

**TG: so youve got your midnight misery buddy**

**TG: guilt-free like a 100 calorie diet brownie**

**TG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.**

**TG: count yourself lucky**

**TG: so**

**TG: do you want to go down to the lab and watch a movie**

**TG: AS APPEALING AS THAT SOUNDS, I’VE FINISHED ALL THE GOOD MOVIES IN THE COLLECTION. SEVERAL TIMES OVER.**

**TG: what seriously**

**TG: weve only been on this rock a couple months**

**TG: theres like hundreds of movies how many did you even watch**

**TG: I DON’T KNOW. THERE WERE ONLY AROUND 40 THAT SEEMED EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTING. MOST OF YOUR HUMAN MOVIES ARE EXCEEDINGLY BLAND WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP CONTENT.**

**TG: holy shit karkat**

**TG: im dying**

**TG: dont tell me you cherry picked the romcoms out of our huge fucking collection of movies and refused to watch any of the others**

**TG: you dont even have to tell me i already know thats what happened**

**TG: STOP LAUGHING, I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING THROUGH THE WALLS!**

**TG: I MEAN IT, I CAN HEAR THAT DISGUSTING HOOFBEASTLIKE SNORT ECHOING THROUGH THE PIPES.**

**TG: I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT’S SO FUNNY ABOUT LIKING THIS SPECIFIC SUBGENRE OF FILM. YOU’RE A HUGE ASS ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I BRING IT UP AND IT’S HONESTLY BEEN GRATING ON MY NERVES FOR A WHILE NOW.**

**TG: i mean there’s really nothing wrong with it**

**TG: it’s just that like**

**TG: i guess on earth it’s something that’s only for girls and dudes arent supposed to like it**

**TG: THAT’S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I’VE EVER HEARD.**

**TG: WHY WOULD SOMEONE’S GENDER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE KIND OF MOVIES THEY LIKE? AND WHO EVEN GETS TO DECIDE WHAT GENDER GETS WHICH MOVIES?**

**TG: yeah thats kind of the point**

**TG: no one decides its just a universal cultural thing**

**TG: boys get action movies girls get romance**

**TG: and if you pick the wrong one then everyone bags on you and you’re sort of like the butt of everyones jokes**

**TG: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE. EVERYONE ON EARTH MUST BE SERIOUSLY DELUDED TO BUY INTO THIS COMPLETE LOAD OF SHIT.**

**TG: JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE A DUDE DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ACT LIKE THE THINGS THAT I LIKE ARE STUPID AND BENEATH YOU. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT DUNKASS? I'M ALSO A DUDE!**

**TG: DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK LESS OF ME AS A PERSON BECAUSE OF THE MOVIES I LIKE?**

**TG: no man**

**TG: of course not**

**TG: wait**

**TG: are you mad**

**TG: I MEAN, YEAH, A LITTLE.**

**TG: AND I SORT OF... DON’T BELIEVE YOU?**

**TG: UNDERSTANDING THE MECHANICS OF RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PEOPLE IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME. AND YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY I COULD DO THAT BEFORE THE GAME WAS THROUGH MOVIES. I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR STUPID SPECIES TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE WAY IT WORKS, SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHIT ALL OVER THE WAY I DO THAT?**

**TG: I THINK I’M ALLOWED TO BE MAD.**

**TG: oh fuck**

You rub your eyes and curl up into a tight ball against your blankets. You still feel disoriented from your dream and Karkat is angry and yelling at you in long strings of grey text all of a sudden, things are happening so fast, you don't know how this happened. Fuck, you really hate it when he's angry like this, and that goes double when he's angry at you.  How could you fuck up this badly only a few minutes in to the conversation? _Nice going, Strider._  

**TG: shit shit shit**

**TG: im really sorry karkat**

**TG: i didn’t even realize**

**TG: fuck**

**TG: UGH DAVE, DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. SERIOUSLY.**

**TG: BUT I THINK IT’S REASONABLE FOR ME TO BE A LITTLE UPSET WHEN YOUR ENTIRE PLANET THINKS I’M SOME KIND OF SAD LOSER FOR LIKING WHAT I LIKE. AND APPARENTLY YOU DO TOO.**

**TG: karkat i really dont think that**

**TG: i mean yeah people on earth might have**

**TG: and it’s overwhelmingly stupid and doesn’t make any real sense at all when you really think about it**

**TG: but earth is gone and those people are all dead**

**TG: and even though im trying to get rid of all these bs ideas that are a result of living on a planet that sort of hated women and everything associated with them**

**TG: its not so easy when i spent the entirety of my formative years there**

**TG: so what im really trying to say is**

**TG: im sorry**

**TG: and i’m working on being less of an ass**

**TG: and of course i don’t think youre a loser because of what you like or dont like**

**TG: youre like my best bro i could never think that**

**TG: karkat?**

**TG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED. NOOKLICKER.**

**TG: haha great**

**TG: soooo**

**TG: you know**

**TG: ive never seen the troll version of failure to launch**

**TG: and i hear that troll matthew mcconaughey’s an even smoother operator than human matthew mcconaughey**

**TG: which might be literally impossible but**

**TG: YOU MEAN “IN WHICH AN ADULT TROLL REFUSES TO EXIT HIS CHILDHOOD PUPATION CHASSIS, AND THEREFORE HIS LUSUS ENGAGES FOUR ADULT TROLL COUNTERPARTS TO FILL HIS QUADRANTS UNDER THE GUISE OF GENUINE ROMANCE WHEN IN FACT THEIR REAL OBJECTIVE IS TO ENCOURAGE HIM TO MATURE AND PREPARE HIS OWN RESPITEBLOCK, BUT EVENTUALLY AND AFTER SEVERAL MISUNDERSTANDINGS DISCOVER THAT THEY ARE COMPATIBLE MATES AND FILL HIS QUADRANTS IN A LASTING AND MEANINGFUL WAY”?**

**TG: yes thats probably exactly what i mean**

**TG: MEET ME IN THE LAB IN FIVE MINUTES. BRING A BLANKET.**

**TG: nice**

**TG: see ya there**

You ball up an extra comforter and tuck it, along with a few pillows, under your arm, and head down the vast metal hallway to the lab. The first few nights on the meteor the hallway gave you the heebie jeebies: the sickly brightness of its fluorescent lights and tendency to echo the smallest of sounds made it seem kind of like an abandoned insane asylum from a horror movie. Now the emptiness is only comforting. It makes you feel good to know that if anything or anyone is coming for you, you’ll see it and hear it from a mile away. Nothing can sneak up on you here.

Karkat’s room is two hallways away from yours, so you won’t see him until you get to the lab. It’s probably for the best. What would you even say to him on this long awkward walk down an empty hallway? Hey bro, sorry again that I basically dissed everything that’s important to you, hope we’re cool now that I’m watching this chick flick with you in the middle of the night? Anyways, you really need to stop calling them chick flicks. _Isn’t this just what you had an argument about? Dumbass._ You speed your pace down the hallway, letting the rhythm of your bare feet hitting the cold metal drown out your racing thoughts. You really need to stop talking to yourself.

When you get to the lab Karkat is already there, bending down in front of the TV to slide a DVD with strange grey script on the front into the player. He doesn’t turn around when you walk in, he’s still punching buttons on the DVD player. “Did you bring the blanket?” He must have heard you coming down the hall.

“Yeah, for sure. And I got a couple pillows just in case.” You walk over to the small sofa and plop down with the blankets and pillows in your lap, and prop your feet up on the coffee table.

Karkat turns around and sees you with your feet up and hands behind your head, looking like an insufferable tool. “Typical. Asshole.” He swats your feet off the coffee table and you exaggerate a groan, but you both grin at one another. Something inside of you sighs with relief. Even though you know that Karkat can get angry at the drop of a hat sometimes, and it’s still basically impossible for him to stop being friends with anyone no matter what, when the two of you argue you still always get a knot in your stomach until you’re completely sure he’s not upset with you.  Now that he’s sitting beside you on the couch and the Troll Failure to Launch opening sequence is rolling, you feel calmer and happier than you have all night.

Throughout the movie you try your hardest to take it seriously, which is surprisingly not as hard as you thought. You’ve seen a few troll movies before with the rest of the meteor crew but none of them had so heavily featured each one of the quadrants, and it was genuinely interesting from an objective standpoint to see the differences in behavior between each set of “quadrantmates”. And no matter what amount of shit you might talk, or how much you made fun of John in the past, Troll Matthew Mcconaughey is unquestionably the smoothest fucker you’ve ever laid eyes on.  

“Hey Karkat?” You reach for the remote and pause the movie as Troll Sarah Jessica Parker is about to have troll sex with Troll Matthew Mcconaughey in his “pupation chassis”.

“Wait, Dave, you’re stopping it at the best part! This is where she realizes that she has real red feelings for Mcconaughey, and the very fact that this is messing up her job makes her turn black for him!” Karkat's mixture of outrage at your stopping the DVD and rapture with the plotline he's seen "several" times is adorable any way you slice it.

“We can get back to this pupation chassis deal in a second. I got a question about the quadrants.” And oh boy, as soon as the word quadrant is out of your mouth you can see Karkat’s face fucking light up like an old person’s birthday cake. You know how much he loves explaining this shit, and as much as he’s trying to hide it you can tell he’s just itching to show off his expertise in the quadrant field. “So like, what exactly’s the difference between diamonds and hearts? I get that the heartmates combine genetic material for reproduction and whatever, so they’re like a sex quadrant.”

“Concupiscent, Dave. And they’re called matesprits and moirails, you huge bulgemunch, stop pretending you don’t know the real names.” Karkat is trying his best to look serious and objective, but a small smile is playing at the corners of his mouth and you can tell that he’s eating this up.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyways. But I’m not sure I understand how moirails are any different than normal best bros, like us.” Woah, wait a second. This question was meant to be half genuine curiosity about troll romance, half indulging Karkat in his obsession with troll romance. But you hadn’t quite realized the implications of what you were asking until you just asked it: _Karkat, are we pale dating?_  No way, right? You would know it if you were. You can’t just accidentally alien date someone without being aware of it.

Karkat doesn’t look fazed in the slightest by your question, only excited. This is a good sign. “Okay, so I know I’ve told you about the quadrants before, but let me go into some more detail about the difference between the red and pale quadrants. So using this movie as an example, Troll Sarah Jessica Parker is the red quadrantmate to Troll Mcconaughey, right? And Troll Zooey Deschanel is the pale quadrantmate to Troll Sarah Jessica Parker.  See how the two well-adjusted palemates share a dwelling? Frequently two trolls in a pale relationship will live in the same hive, and even the same respiteblock. The same goes for two trolls in a red relationship. But it’s uncommon for a troll’s pale and red match along with said troll to live in the same hive, unless of course…” Karkat keeps talking at a mile a minute, and it’s hard for you to keep up with all the things he’s saying when you haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep. It must be around four in the morning by now. You try to stifle your yawns so Karkat doesn’t think he's boring you, but you think there’s no chance of him noticing anyway. He’s so caught up in lecturing you about pales and pails that you don’t think he’d notice if you fell asleep in his lap.

He talks for another fifteen minutes and you get the gist of it. Well, most of it. Palemates are sort of like best bros, but much more commitment-oriented, often living in the same house and sharing all of their emotional issues with one another. Their relationships are based on compatible personalities, whereas red personalities are based on compatible sexual natures and based mostly in physical attraction. The reason they would live together would be for easy access to one another when the filial drones made their rounds. It would be weird and uncomfortable for a matesprit to start talking to their partner about problems at work, at it would be super gross for a moirail to start making out with their pale partner. This division strikes you as strange, but you understand that human romance is sort of like a balance between pale and red relationships, with occasionally a healthy amount of black concupiscence thrown in there. You know, for variety.

“Okay Karkat, I think I got it. Thanks for schooling me on all your mwah-roils and datemates and shit. It’s fuckin’ ace, buddy.” He laughs and shoves you on the shoulder, and you grin back at him. It’s impossible to make Karkat laugh in front of the rest of the meteor crew, but one-on-one it’s much easier. He seems more relaxed when it’s only the two of you, like he doesn’t have to put on his belligerent leaderly authority mask all the time to keep people in line. You like him much more like this, when he’s just a goofy kid who likes sappy movies, and when he can laugh without worrying about other people not taking him seriously. He hits play on the remote and the movie starts again.

As Troll Sarah Jessica Parker confesses her red feelings for Troll Mcconaughey, your head starts to loll to the side and your eyes flicker shut. You're so tired you don't know which way is up, and you don't care. You're not sure how to feel about Karkat's familiar presence beside you as you half-ass trying to stay awake and pay attention to the movie, but something embarrassingly, unironically honest insides you tells you that... you feel good. You feel safe. You don't worry about the dream about the rooftop at all as you let your upper body slide down onto the couch, your arms curling up into your chest. You are in a deep dream-bubble-less sleep as soon as your head hits the warm, firm pillow underneath you. You don’t even have time to realize that it’s Karkat’s thigh.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, I have sore fingers from typing "Matthew Mcconaughey" so many times! I hope you liked this chapter, I plan on writing several more where Dave and Karkat explore what it means to live outside the expectations of their cultures, and probably end up kissing each other and crying a lot. Please leave reviews telling me if you liked it, didn't like it, have criticism, whatever you want! Thanks for reading!


	2. No One Can See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for graphic description of blood/minor injury.

**== > Be Karkat. **

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and in the middle of one of your favorite movies of all time, Dave Strider has taken the infuriating liberty of falling asleep. _On_ you. Your first reaction is to shake him awake and make him finish it if you have to personally hold his eyes open, because no way are you going to let this asshole miss out on the most emotionally cathartic and heartwrenching cinematic climax troll culture has ever managed to produce. You know, before you laid waste to it and all.  
  
But you, of all people, know how much it fucking sucks to have trouble sleeping. And as much as you want him to stop slobbering on your jeans and pay attention, god dammit, you know that humans need sleep a lot more frequently and consistently than trolls do, and that Dave hasn't been getting nearly enough of it lately. Of course, he hasn't exactly been forthcoming with this information, but you can tell from the dark purple bruises that show under his eyes and the sluggishness in his movements these past few weeks that something is keeping him up at night. You can only guess what.   
  
Not that you're doing any better than him in the sleep department. Not that you have been at any point in your time on this godforsaken desolate space prison meteor. You never had any trouble sleeping in your recuperacoon before the game, and even after it began you were fine for a little while. But then when things got serious with Sgrub, your friends started getting themselves in real danger and your group started to fall apart. And then you couldn't sleep, because then who would keep your group intact? Who else was going to keep them from tearing each other limb from limb in the hours where your mind was taking a well-deserved break from their insufferable teen murderdrama? No one, that was who. They needed you.  
  
But now no one needs you at all, not anymore. Not Terezi or Gamzee and certainly not any of the other trolls on the meteor. They don't even want you as their friend, not really. You can tell by the way they've been acting these past few months: Rose and Kanaya spending all their time together on some kind of book, Vriska and Terezi gallivanting through the hallways searching for imaginary treasure, Gamzee off in the vents somewhere doing some kind of heinous chucklevoodoo bullshit you’re 100% sure you want to know nothing about. You and Dave are "best bros", and sure, you spend most of your days together in Can Town or performing some other form of timewasting recreational activity in the lab. But if it came down to it, you're sure he'd be fine without you. You've only really been friends since he came to the meteor, and even though the lack of structured activity makes it feel like an eternity, it honestly hasn't been that long. There’s no question that he’d be fine with the Mayor, the rest of the trolls, and his own ridiculous “sick beats” if something happened to you. You’re positive that no one needs you at all anymore, not your leadership or your friendship, and even though your life is completely barren of any semblance of responsibility you still. Can't. Fucking. Sleep.  
  
You feel Dave move his head, digging a little deeper into your thigh. He looks... upset? Well, about as upset as you can look while you're asleep. You see the delicate muscles in his face stretched taut, his eyebrows furrowed and the corner of his mouth twitching. _Jegus, how did humans ever survive as a species with skin this fragile? Like fucking one-ply toilet paper, I could rip it to shreds in a second if I wanted_. The corners of his mouth turn down as he shifts his weight on the couch. Maybe you should wake him, really gently, and get him to walk back to his own bed while he's still half-asleep. That way you can finish the rest of Troll Failure to Launch without waking him up, Dave gets a good night’s sleep in his own respiteblock, and you can go back to the rest of your innumerable hours of soul-crushing boredom without bothering him. _Good plan._ You crouch over him and shake his shoulder gently, whispering into his ear. "Dave? Hey Dave, it's time to wake u-"  
  
Dave jolts awake, his forehead coming up hard--and ramming straight into the bottom of your chin. He gasps for air, looking frantically from side to side and pulling away from you to sit up beside you on the couch, holding his forehead in pain. You're stunned by the impact and the pain in your jaw and you realize, shit, shit, your teeth cut into your lip really deep and it's bleeding fast down your chin, and the light coming from the hallway is dim but he can still see it and fuck oh fuck you can't let anyone see you bleed--  
  
"Karkat? Oh god Karkat, are you okay? I'm so sorry I didn't mean-" He's looking for something to staunch the flow of sticky candy red and you're clutching at your mouth, trying to cover it but it's coming out so fast and flooding right through your fingers and onto your hand, you can't stop it and he has a corner of the blanket in his hand reaching towards your face and he's looking right at you and--  
  
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" you snarl and barrel your hand into his, forcing it away, anything to stop him from getting too close. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"  His hand drops and you stare up at him, stunned by your own words, and he's sitting back on his knees, his eyes wide, still holding that stupid blanket. He looks... hurt. Really hurt. You turn away and bury your face into the couch, tears burning at your eyes. "Just get out of here, leave me alone! Just go!" Your voice, muffled through the couch cushions, sounds small and pained even to you. A second's hesitation, and then footsteps across the metal floor, then distantly down the hallway. And you can breathe because you're safe, you're safe, no one can see.

*   *   *

Even after Dave's footsteps are so distant you can't hear them at all anymore, you still keep your face buried tightly in the couch cushion. It's wet with your blood and tears, but you don't care, you'll stay here forever if you damn well please, who's going to stop you? You shudder into the fabric, and your whole body feels hot and sick with shame. _How could I be so awful to my best fucking friend?_ You hear your phone blip on the coffee table, and you know for sure that it's Dave but not one atom in your disgusting mutant body is ready to face him right now. 

Something horrid deep inside you mocks you in a singsong voice, _he saw your blood, he saw it, he saw it, and now he'll leave you in the gutter to rot just like everyone else, he knows what a fraud you are now, and who likes a mutant? No one!_ And you know this is stupid, you know this doesn't make any sense, that humans have the same fucking blood color as you do but you're still losing it over something that shouldn't even bother you. Hot tears brim over your eyelids and soak into the couch. You're sure the blood is going to stain and you'll have to alchemize a new cushion before morning, but you can't think about that right now. You hate yourself for freaking out, you hate yourself for being so terrible to Dave, and most of all you hate your awful mutant blood that caused all of this in the first place. You know that it shouldn't matter, that it doesn't matter one bit to Dave or anyone else on the meteor, and not one of them have the power or even the inclination to cull you like they would have on Alternia. But you can't help that it still terrifies you out of your mind whenever you see your own blood. 

You take a shallow, gaspy breath and unstick your face from the couch, letting the cold recycled air of the lab dry your face. Your phone is still blipping intermittently, and you turn it off without looking at it. Dave left the pillows and blanket here. You flip the couch cushion so that the tears and blood are on the side facing the frame and stand up, wrapping the blanket around you and holding the pillows so that they cover your face. You walk slowly, one foot after the other, to your own block, and sink down into your recuperacoon. You let the sopor slime wash your face gently clean, but on the inside, you still feel sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Just a note that in case it wasn't clear, Dave didn't have any kind of bad dream, he just freaked out from being woken up so suddenly by someone crouching over him (a byproduct of having to be on his guard all the time, both in his apartment and during the game). Keep an eye out for the upcoming chapter, where Dave and Karkat talk about Karkat's hemospectrum-related issues and Dave's miscellaneous personal problems. <3


	3. Pinky Swear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Back again with more of these dumb boys being sad. Thank you for all of the comments, I really appreciate every single one of them and they give me the warm fuzzies when I read through all the nice things people have to say about what I write! As promised, this chapter is almost entirely Dave and Karkat talking about their respective personal problems, through almost 3000 words' worth of pesterlogs. I hope you like it! ~

**⇒ Be Karkat.**

You can’t be Karkat, because not even Karkat wants to be Karkat right now!

**⇒ Fine then, Be Dave.**

You can’t be Dave, because not even Dave wants to be Dave right now!

**⇒ God, these boys have problems. Can we at least read their pesterlogs?**

Yeah that’s probably fine.

**⇒ Snoop in Dave’s Pesterchum account.**

**\--- turntechGodhead started pestering carcinoGeneticist at 4:09 am ---**

**TG: hey karkat?**

**TG: karkat are you there**

**TG: uh**

**TG: im really sorry i hit you**

**TG: it was a total accident, i just sort of freaked out when you woke me up**

**TG: aaand i get it if you dont want to talk to me**

**TG: shit man i wouldnt wanna talk to someone who decked me like that either**

**TG: fuckin give em a shoulder so cold the polar bears gotta migrate south for the frigid winter induced by my icy glares**

**TG: wait do trolls even have polar bears**

**TG: probably something equivalent and ridiculous like “arctic furbeasts”**

**TG: yeah i bet thats what it is**

**TG: anyways**

**TG: im sorta worried about how upset you were earlier**

**TG: like i get that you were surprised and everything which is totally understandable**

**TG: but i dont know if something else is wrong that i dont know about**

**TG: or what**

**TG: but yeah i just want to make sure youre ok**

**TG: and not like**

**TG: still flippin your shit like its a fuckin pancake**

**TG: because its kinda just casually freaking me out**

**TG: so i guess just talk to me when you can**

**TG: um**

**TG: strider out**

**\--- turntechGodhead ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 4:35 am ---**

**\---gallowsCalibrator started pestering turntechGodhead at 6:50 am ---**

**GC: D4V3 4R3 YOU TH3R3**

**GC: 1M 1N TH3 L4B 4ND 1 SM3LL3D SOM3TH1NG ON TH3 B4CK OF ON3 OF TH3 COUCH CUSH1ONS**

**GC: SOM3TH1NG D3L1C1OUS 4ND C4NDY R3D**

**GC: NO ON3 3LS3 S4W 1T 4ND 1M PR3TTY SUR3 TH3YR3 NOT GO1NG TO BUT**

**GC: 1TS K4RK4TS BLOOD 1SNT 1T**

**GC: D4V3 1S H3 OK4Y**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW 1F H3S TOLD YOU BUT H3S R34LLY W31RD 4BOUT H1S BLOOD**

**GC: COULD YOU CH3CK ON H1M 4ND M4K3 SUR3 H3S NOT FR34K1NG OUT**

**GC: 1M SUR3 H3 WOULDN’T W4NT TO T4LK TO M3 1F H3 1S**

**GC: D4V3?**

**TG: yeah sorry im here**

**TG: i have no idea how karkat is i havent seen him since last night**

**TG: ive been messaging him but he hasnt answered**

**TG: so idk if hes okay**

**GC: TH4TS F1NE 1 JUST H4D TO 4SK**

**GC: W1LL YOU T3LL M3 HOW H3 1S WH3N YOU S33 H1M?**

**TG: yeah sure tz**

**GC: TH4NKS D4V3 TH4T R34LLY M34NS 4 LOT**

**\---gallowsCalibrator ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 7:12 am ---**

**\--- turntechGodhead started pestering carcinoGeneticist at 7:49 am ---**

**TG: karkat im seriously worried**

**TG: its been like five hours are you okay**

**TG: im not kidding i will come down to your “block” or whatever and make sure if you dont answer me**

**TG: radio silence after something like that is not cool any way you slice it**

**TG: whatever**

**TG: i hope you at least got some sleep**

**TG: because its not like im getting any**

**\--- turntechGodhead ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 7:55 am ---**

**\---carcinoGeneticist started pestering turntechGodhead at 9:24 am ---**

**CG: HEY DAVE**

**CG: I GOT YOUR MESSAGES AND I UH**

**CG: I’M OKAY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY.**

**CG: SORRY I FREAKED OUT LIKE THAT. IT’S REALLY NO BIG DEAL, I PROMISE.**

**TG: holy shit karkat**

**TG: “you dont have to worry” my ass**

**TG: like im seriously going to think eh hes probably fine and roll over and go back to sleep after you lose it like that**

**TG: what the fuck happened**

**CG: DAVE, CALM DOWN. ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL, HONESTLY.**

**TG: not that big of a**

**TG: fuckin**

**TG: what??**

**TG: dont tell me to calm down you huge raging douchebag im not gonna calm down**

**TG: ive been awake all night hoping you didnt go troll crazy and throw yourself out the airlock**

**TG: i even came down to your room and knocked on the stupid door but you didnt answer**

**CG: DAVE, WE DON’T EVEN HAVE AN AIRLOCK. I COULDN’T THROW MYSELF OFF OF THIS HUNK OF MISERABLE SPACE ROCK IF I TRIED.**

**TG: youre changing the subject dude**

**TG: tell me what happened last night**

**TG: why did you freak out so bad when you started bleeding**

**CG: GOD, STOP TALKING LIKE I OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION! YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ME, DAVE. I NEVER ASKED YOU TO STAY UP AND WORRY ABOUT ME.**

**TG: oh my fucking god karkat!**

**TG: what do you think the nature of our relationship even is**

**TG: i dont know how troll friendship works but if you dont give two shits about the other persons well being then why even bother in the first place**

**TG: havent i told you on several occasions that youre actually my fucking friend**

**TG: like yeah it’s fun to watch movies with you and all the other stupid shit weve been doing to pass the time**

**TG: but that also means that i care about you**

**TG: and i want to make sure nothing bad happens to you**

**TG: and fuck you for making me say this cheesy shit, you should already know this by now**

**CG: I HAD NO IDEA YOU FELT THAT WAY.**

**TG: what**

**TG: of course i do**

**TG: why do you think ive been messaging you all night**

**TG: and dropping by your room in the wee fuckin hours of the morning like the secret police**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW. FOR IRONY OR SOMETHING.**

**CG: I DIDN'T EXACTLY THINK ABOUT IT THAT HARD.**

**TG: wtf karkat**

**TG: no man i was legitimately worried**

**TG: thats what it means to be friends you dick**

**TG: you check on the other person and make sure theyre doin okay**

**TG: especially after you nearly crush their face in and they kick you out of the room in a rage**

**CG: NOT ON ALTERNIA.**

**TG: what**

**CG: TROLLS DON’T HANDLE FRIENDSHIP ACCORDING TO WHAT YOU’RE DESCRIBING. ALL OF THE PEOPLE THAT I PLAYED THE GAME WITH, SOLLUX AND TEREZI AND EVEN VRISKA, I WOULD CONSIDER MY FRIENDS.**

**CG: BUT OUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE ALMOST UNIVERSALLY BUILT ON A MUTUAL FEELING OF ANIMOSITY FOR ONE ANOTHER, NOT ANY KIND OF GOODWILL OR CARE FOR THE OTHER PERSON.**

**CG: ALL OF OUR INTERACTIONS WERE BASED AROUND SOME FORM OF INSULT OR RIVALRY TOWARDS THE OTHER PARTIES. THAT’S JUST HOW OUR SOCIETY FUNCTIONED.**

**CG: I MEAN, WE FORMED ALLIANCES AND EVERYTHING. THAT WAS A GIVEN, BECAUSE IT WAS MOST BENEFICIAL TO EVERYONE INVOLVED. TO GET THINGS DONE, TO PLAY THE GAME.**

**CG: BUT GENUINELY PUTTING ANY SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF EFFORT INTO MAINTAINING THE WELL-BEING OF ANOTHER TROLL WAS SOMETHING CLEARLY DESIGNATED TO THE FOUR QUADRANTS.**

**CG: AND CARING FOR YOUR MATE’S EMOTIONAL HEALTH IN A SENSE WHERE YOU FEEL PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM IS ALMOST EXCLUSIVE TO PALE RELATIONSHIPS.**

**CG: WHICH IS NOT TO SAY THAT YOU HAVE PALE FEELINGS FOR ME OR ANYTHING. I DON’T KNOW IF HUMANS ARE EVEN CAPABLE OF FEELING THAT WAY.**

**CG: OR MAYBE THEY ARE, THEY JUST FEEL THAT WAY TOWARDS… EVERYONE? I’VE LIVED WITH YOU GUYS FOR MONTHS NOW AND I HAVE NO IDEA.**

**CG: BUT YEAH, TROLL FRIENDSHIP DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.**

**TG: wow that way of life sounds**

**TG: incredibly shitty**

**CG: YEAH IT DEFINITELY WAS.**

**TG: but i mean**

**TG: are you sure that none of the other trolls care even a little bit about you**

**TG: terezi was messaging me earlier worried bc she smelled your blood or some shit**

**TG: and im sure kanaya would also be losing her shit if she knew anything was wrong**

**CG: SIGH. I’M REALLY NOT SURPRISED THAT TEREZI FEELS THAT WAY.**

**CG: A WHILE BACK WE HAD SOME KIND OF CONCUPISCENT FLIRTATION THAT VACILLATED BETWEEN QUADRANTS FASTER THAN AN OSCILLATING WIND THRESHER.**

**CG: BUT RECENTLY SHE’S WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I GUESS BECAUSE HER PALE RELATIONSHIP WITH VRISKA HAS BEEN AN ALL-CONSUMING FACTOR IN HER LIFE.**

**CG: SO I THINK HER CONCERN IS DRIVEN ALMOST ENTIRELY OUT OF GUILT AND NEED TO CLEAR HER OWN CONSCIENCE THAN ANYTHING.**

**CG: AND KANAYA CARES ABOUT EVERYONE. I’M PRETTY SURE SHE’S JUST GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED BY HER BLOOD CASTE TO PERMANENTLY ENTRENCH HERSELF IN EVERYONE’S BUSINESS, ALL THE TIME.**

**CG: IT'S REALLY ABNORMAL FOR TROLLS, AND IT MIGHT JUST BE KANAYA'S TENDENCY TO BEHAVE A LITTLE PROMISCUOUSLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE CONCILIATORY QUADRANTS. I NEVER REALLY TOOK IT SERIOUSLY.**

**CG: BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY I WAS SO UPSET LAST NIGHT, I’LL TELL YOU. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU GENUINELY CARED.**

**TG: didnt i throw a shit fit about how much i care like just now**

**CG: UGH JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN.**

**CG: SO, I’M ASSUMING YOU ALREADY KNOW JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND ITS ALL ITS UNDERLYING BULLSHIT. REDS AT THE BOTTOM, PURPLES AT THE TOP, ETC.**

**TG: yeah ofc**

**TG: so you have some kinda insecurity about being at the bottom of the blood food chain?**

**TG: i already knew about that i don’t understand why you were so cagey about it**

**CG: OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP**

**CG: THAT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHY, IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS EXPLANATION YOURE GOING TO HAVE TO SHUT YOUR SQUAWK GAPER AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A TAR SHITTING SECOND.**

**CG: MY BLOOD COLOR, THE CANDY RED YOU SAW LAST NIGHT, ISN’T EVEN ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM. I’M NOT CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM, OR EVEN AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE HEMOSPECTRUM. I’M JUST… NOT ON IT.**

**CG: MY BLOOD COLOR ISN’T A CASTE, IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO EXIST. I’M A MUTANT, AND I LIVED EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY SHITTY LIFE ON ALTERNIA KNOWING THAT IF ANYONE SAW MY BLOOD, THEY WOULD EXECUTE ME ON THE SPOT.**

**CG: ALL OF OUR BODILY FLUIDS ARE TINGED WITH OUR BLOOD COLOR. SWEAT, TEARS, SPIT, WHATEVER. BUT IF SOMEONE SAW THOSE THINGS I COULD PLAY IT OFF, SAY IT WAS A TRICK OF THE LIGHT OR SOMETHING.**

**CG: THERE’S NO HIDING THE COLOR OF MY BLOOD, THOUGH.**

**CG: MY LUSUS NEVER LET ME LEAVE THE HOUSE AS A WIGGLER. AND I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY UNTIL I GOT OLDER.**

**CG: EVEN NOW I WONDER WHY HE WOULD CHOOSE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.**

**CG: SO, YEAH, I LIVED MY WHOLE LIFE UP UNTIL THE GAME KNOWING THAT I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE TO ADULTHOOD, NEVER BE ABLE TO REPRODUCE, AND NEVER EVEN BE ABLE TO EVEN WALK OUTSIDE SAFELY.**

**CG: IT DOESN’T MATTER AT ALL NOW, THOUGH. BASICALLY EVERYONE ON THE METEOR KNOWS ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER ANYONE ABOUT IT. EVEN GAMZEE KNOWS, I’M PRETTY SURE. AND YOU AND ROSE HAVE THE SAME COLOR BLOOD AS ME, SO I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M SO FUCKING STUCK ON IT LIKE THIS.**

**CG: BLOOD COLOR DOESN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU GUYS.**

**CG: BUT YEAH, I CRIED LIKE A WIGGLER FOR A LONG FUCKING TIME ABOUT SOMEONE SEEING MY DISGUSTING MUTANT BLOOD. AND I KNOW IT SHOULDN'T EVEN UPSET ME AND THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE THAT I FEEL THAT WAY. AND I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT HOW PATHETIC AND STUPID I WAS BEING SO I TURNED MY PHONE OFF AND DIDN’T ANSWER THE DOOR. AND NO, I DIDN’T FUCKING SLEEP. AT ALL. SO THERE’S YOUR EXPLANATION, IN ITS ENTIRETY.**

**TG: karkat**

**TG: you dont have to beat yourself up about the way you feel**

**TG: seriously**

**TG: even if you know you “shouldnt” feel that way its still totally fine if you do**

**TG: like youre right i dont care a single bit about what color your blood is**

**TG: purple green brown red its all the same to me**

**TG: but that doesnt mean youre not allowed to feel shitty about the way it affects you**

**TG: also thanks for telling me all this**

**TG: alternia sounds like a terrifying ass place to grow up**

**CG: TRUST ME, IT WAS.**

**CG: THEY HAD SOME PRETTY SWEET MOVIES THOUGH.**

**TG: oh man yeah youre right**

**TG: i forgot about troll matthew mcconaughey**

**CG: HIS LEGENDARY GREATNESS ALMOST MAKES UP FOR ALL THOSE YEARS FEARING FOR MY LIFE.**

**TG: hahah yeah i bet it does**

**CG: HEY DAVE?**

**CG: THANKS.**

**TG: for what**

**TG: i didnt do much of anything besides give you shit for how your being upset affected me**

**TG: and i really dont think you should be thanking me for that**

**CG: I KNOW YOU ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT ME. AND I REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE CLOSED OFF LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT UPSET YOU AS MUCH AS IT DID.**

**CG: ANYWAYS, I MEAN THANKS FOR CARING ENOUGH TO ASK ME ABOUT IT. AND FOR NOT MAKING FUN OF ME FOR BEING A HUGE LOSER OR ANYTHING.**

**CG: EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE MANAGED TO FIGURE OUT MY BLOOD COLOR, YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE ACTUALLY TALKED TO ABOUT IT.**

**CG: ALSO**

**CG: I HAPPEN TO CARE ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING, TOO. CHUTESUCKER.**

**TG: awww karkat**

**TG: does this mean were going steady**

**TG: are you gonna ask me to the sadie hawkins and give me your varsity jacket and class ring**

**TG: take me down to the diner and split a malt and then have awkward gropey makeouts in the back of your car at a drive-in**

**CG: EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT ALIEN BULLSHIT MEANS, I’M POSITIVE THAT THE ANSWER TO ALL OF IT IS A CATEGORICAL NO.**

**CG: ANYWAY, NOW THAT WE'VE ESTABLISHED THIS DISGUSTINGLY SACCHARINE “HUMAN FRIENDSHIP”**

**CG: IN WHICH BOTH PARTIES PLATONICALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER’S VARIOUS AND SUNDRY PERSONAL ISSUES**

**CG: I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU.**

**TG: oh geez is this about the moirails thing**

**TG: because im still not sure how to feel about that entire concept yet**

**CG: NO IT'S NOT A PALE SOLICITATION, DUNKASS.**

**CG: DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY PLATONICALLY?**

**CG: I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING WELL LATELY.**

**CG: AND DON'T TRY TO BULLSHIT ME, I KNOW HUMANS NEED A BASELINE AMOUNT OF SLEEP THAT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING.**

**TG: oh**

**TG: well thats complicated**

**TG: um**

**TG: long story short i have bad dreams**

**TG: well dream bubbles i guess**

**TG: and i sort of dread going to sleep because of them**

**TG: and when i do sleep**

**TG: even when i dont run into a bad dream bubble**

**TG: a lot of the time i wake up really freaked out for no reason**

**TG: like last night when i sorta almost broke your jaw**

**CG: AH YES, I REMEMBER THAT FONDLY.**

**TG: lmao**

**TG: so yeah**

**TG: going to sleep is shitty, being asleep is shitty, and waking up is shitty**

**TG: so a lot of the time i put the entire process off and end up just not doing it at all that night**

**TG: which is probably not exactly healthy but**

**TG: shrug**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOUR DREAM BUBBLES USUALLY ABOUT?**

**TG: idk**

**TG: sometimes theyre about all the time travel shit i had to do in the game**

**TG: and i dream that i fuck up somehow and wind up as one of the dead daves**

**TG: or that i doom the timeline and rose jade and john end up dead or dying**

**TG: and thats invariably not so great**

**TG: but most of the time they take me back to my apartment**

**TG: and sometimes its okay and im just in my room mixing beats or talking to my friends**

**TG: but a lot of the time its when my bros home**

**TG: and those are the worst ones**

**CG: …**

**CG: DID YOUR LUSUS DO SOMETHING TO YOU, DAVE?**

**TG: look, i dont really want to talk about it**

**TG: maybe later**

**TG: but not now, okay**

**TG: im just so fucking tired and i cant think straight**

**TG: and definitely not about that right now**

**CG: NO, I TOTALLY GET IT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME AT ALL IF YOU DON’T WANT.**

**CG: AND OF COURSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ME UP ON THIS OFFER EITHER**

**CG: BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT A BAD DREAM OR ANYTHING. I'M LITERALLY ALWAYS AWAKE.**

**TG: thanks man ill keep it in mind**

**CG: ALSO, I WOULD NEVER RECOMMEND THIS UNDER ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES**

**CG: BUT MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO INDULGE IN ONE OF YOUR HUMAN SOPORIFIC SUBSTANCES.**

**TG: you mean get drunk**

**TG: nah man i know what that shit did to roses mom**

**TG: not going down that road**

**TG: besides i have no idea how to alchemize it**

**TG: and no way am i asking rose shed never let me hear the end of it**

**CG: FAIR ENOUGH.**

**CG: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?**

**TG: idk man**

**TG: i dont think so**

**TG: wait**

**TG: could you maybe just like**

**TG: in the least pathetic sounding way possible**

**TG: come to my room and talk with me until i fall asleep**

**TG: about romcoms or quadrants or anything idc**

**TG: it just helped a lot last night to have another person there to distract me from my own nauseating thoughts**

**TG: even though it didn’t exactly end well**

**CG: HAHA SURE DAVE.**

**CG: AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE TO KEEP YOUR FOREHEAD A SAFE DISTANCE AWAY FROM MY CHIN THIS TIME.**

**TG: lmao**

**TG: pinky swear**

**\--- turntechGodhead ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 11:27 am ---**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo, that chapter was really a challenge! It's a lot harder for me to write pesterlogs than it is to write dialogue or internal monologue, but I think this has been really good practice. In the next chapter, we'll see Karkat helping Dave to fall asleep, and if all goes according to plan it should be a lot lighter and happier than previous chapters. See you then!


	4. Hot Chocolate

**⇒ Be Karkat.**

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are walking down a long metal hallway with a mug of steaming comfort liquid, shoulders hunched and eyes squinted. You’re pretty sure that Dave’s room is this way. The two of you don’t usually hang out in each other's rooms, preferring to stay in the lab where the furniture is more comfortable and the video game consoles and DVD player are set up. In fact, you’ve never been in Dave’s room before now, or even seen the inside of it.

 

You cup your hands around the warmth of the mug and draw your shoulders in. Why is it always so cold on this fucking meteor? Almost like it’s flying at top speed through a heatless void or some shit. Unbelievable. You pick up your pace down the hallway and spot a metal door, sporting a handwritten sign that reads “Dave’s Crib” in black magic marker. You scoff to yourself at the intentionally shitty drawings on the sign. Not like you would expect anything different. You knock on the cold metal and hear a soft creak from inside the room, and then footsteps towards the door.

 

“Hey, man.” God, Dave looks awful. He’s not even wearing a shirt, only some crumpled pajama pants that aren’t part of his god tier suit. Half his face is hidden by his shades, but you’d bet your last boonbuck his eyes are bloodshot underneath them. His wispy flyaway hair sticks up in tufts across his head.

 

“You look like hell,” you say, and press the mug into his hands. You glance around Dave’s block for the first time. It’s remarkably barren, basically only a slumberplane with a thick blanket and a pile of clothes on the floor beside it. The walls are bare grey, and there is no furniture whatsoever. “Do you not have any chairs or anything? Where am I supposed to sit?”

 

“Well hello to you, too, asshole. No, I don’t have chairs. What am I, a B&B?” He sits down on the plane, back to the wall, and sniffs the contents of the mug. “Is this hot chocolate?”

 

“Uh, yeah. I mean, probably?” Human terms are such a hassle. “Kanaya helped me alchemize it, so it might not taste so great. She said it’s something Rose drinks when she can’t sleep.” You shift your weight from one foot to the other, still standing near the doorway. Is he gonna make you stand here the entire time? You guess you could just sit in the floor. Or maybe in his pile of clothes?

 

“Oh man, you didn’t have to go to all that trouble. Seriously.” He takes a swig of the “hot chocolate” and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “It’s fuckin’ great. Tastes better than I ever made it. Well, I guess I didn’t ever make hot chocolate technically, just milk with chocolate syrup and a fuck ton of whipped cream mixed in. You’re supposed to buy the packets and shit and do it over the stove, but what am I, some kinda consumerist sucker? No way man. Not Dave Strider. I heated that shit up in the microwave like any dude who’s on the level knows to do, and I made it like ¾ syrup ¼ milk, so I was basically drinking liquid diabetes. It was equal parts legendary and disgusting.” Dave stops mid-monologue and looks up at you, still looming over him in the dim, shadowy room. “Hey, what are you doin’ still standing there like a douchebag? Get over here.” He slaps his hand down on the slumberplane next to him, an invitation to sit.

 

“You mean on the slumberplane?” Doesn’t he know how weird that would be? You guess planes are a bit different than recuperacoons. You mean, they’re sort of like couches, right? But still, that’s where Dave _sleeps_ … doesn’t he know how inappropriate that entire situation would be? You couldn't possibly invade the space where he spends his most vulnerable hours, even at his request. Moirails don't even do that. 

“Yes I mean on the slumberplane, you big fuckin’ baby. I know it doesn’t have legs or a frame or anything, or like a huge vat of whirling troll slime. But it’s gotta be more comfortable than the floor.” Wait, _legs_? Is that thing alive?

 

“I’m just gonna sit on the floor.” You crouch down and rest your back on the wall beside the slumberplane, a meter or so from where Dave is sitting.

 

“Dude, you’re being stupid. You’re gonna freeze to death on this metal ass floor. It’s not weird, just get on the bed.” Dave moves the blanket over so you’ll have a place to sit.

 

“I’m sitting on the fucking floor and you’re gonna deal with it. My ass is so firmly planted in this metal tile you’d have to use literal welding equipment, a chainsaw, and the power of a thousand hoofbeasts to uproot it. This tile is Bel Air, and my ass is Troll Will Smith. Which is to say, my ass is the goddamn prince of this tile.” You stop yourself in the middle of your rant, just when it was getting good, because you know Dave needs to get to sleep as soon as possible and yelling at him isn’t going to help.

 

“Hahah, whatever, Karkat. Be a fuckin’ weirdo.” Dave takes another long swig from the mug, and sets it to the side once it’s empty. “Now that you got all cozied up with my floor, let’s get this fruity rumpus asshole slumber party started, am I right?” Dave’s words are already coming out slower than normal and they sound a bit heavier, a bit less pointedly “ironic”. You take this as a good sign.

 

“All right. So what do you want to talk about?”

 

“I’m game for anything, man. Whatever you want to talk about, quadrants I’m guessin’.” Dave sort of smushes his cheek into the palm of his hand, talking out of one side of his mouth. His shades tilt to one side, and in the dim light of the room you can see a small crescent of the dark purple shading under his eyes. It looks like a bad bruise, and you feel a twinge of something deep in your chest.

 

Of course, you ignore it. “I’ve already given you a crash course in quadrants for humans. Of course, I can always expand on some topics given enough time, such as the complex and nuanced nature of quadrant vacillation and historical examples and implications of such. But I don’t think that you would have enough cultural context to understand what I was saying.”

 

“Well fuck, Karkat. I think you already put me to sleep.” Dave’s grinning that snide grin that you hate, and you reach over and punch him in the arm. That gets a sleepy laugh out of him, and then he turns to you. “Hey, so… what if.”

 

“What if what?” Dave still has one hand resting on his cheek, and his head is starting to loll to the side. He looks so… soft, when he’s sleepy like this. Like you could snap him in half if you tried. How did humans even survive this far in the game? Even Rose has a protective layer of fat that Dave lacks. Dave's all lean muscle and skin and bones, no bulk to his lanky figure at all. 

 

“Well, since this is a bona fide sleepover and all. What if we played one of those shitty teen girl games like you see in movies. Like the ones where you ask the other person a question, and they have to tell the truth, and then they get to ask you a question and you have to tell the truth.” Your face suddenly feels hot. What kind of stuff would Dave want to ask you in the first place? The questions human teens ask in the movies are always about who they’re dating, and you’re not exactly doing so hot in that area right now. Not that you want him to know that.

 

“It doesn’t have to be weird or anything. It’ll be like, a cultural exchange.” Dave’s backpedaling now, you can tell by the way his speech quickened. “Like ‘what do trolls call a refrigerator’ and that kinda shit.” It’s obvious Dave’s wondering if he weirded you out, made you upset. Which of course, he shouldn’t be. You’re always the one who fucks everything up. 

 

“Yeah, no, that sounds great. You can go ahead and ask me whatever.”  The beginnings of panic on Dave’s face ebb away and he relaxes.

 

“Okay, so… why do trolls sleep in a big honkin’ cocoon full of slime instead of a bed like normal people?”

 

“Why the fuck do humans sleep on an exposed fabric rectangle full of metal instead of a protective unit designed to prevent both external harm and psionic mental damage?”

 

"Hahah, fair enough. Your go."

 

“What are those pink nubs on your chest?” Two tiny pink circles were prominent on Dave’s chest, whereas yours is just flat grey.

 

“Wha- oh, these?” Dave looked down at his chest like he’d forgotten they were there. “Well, um, these are called… nipples. And guys and girls both have them, but girls use them for like, feeding babies. On guys, they’re just sort of... there.”

 

“Wait, you mean food comes out of those things?” The thought of it makes you want to throw up a little. Dave shooting tiny little bags of Doritos out of holes in his chest… blech.

 

“What? No. Well, yeah, kinda… But only if you’re a girl and only if you like just now had a baby.” You don’t see any reason why a bodily function like this should be different for males and females. Are men not allowed to feed their offspring?

 

“Well what makes male and female humans so different when it comes to that? Can guys just not feed the babies after they have them?” Dave stares at you for a second and damn near doubles over with laughter, and you can feel yelling bubbling up in your throat. How are you supposed to know this kind of stuff without asking?

 

“Oh my god shut up shut the fuck up stop laughing!” Dave wipes his eyes under his shades and sits up straighter.

 

“Sorry, Karks. Just never thought I would have to explain the birds and the bees to a fourteen year old dude.”

 

“Six sweeps. And it’s not like you understand troll methods of reproduction any better than I do human reproduction, you mind numbingly massive tool.”

 

“Somethin’ with buckets, and, a huge moth? I dunno man, you got me there. With humans, it’s like… Okay so, guys have a penis, girls have a vagina, right?”

 

“Dave, those alien words mean nothing to me.”  

 

“Haha, fuck. Course they don’t.” Dave eyes the pile of clothes next to you. “Hand me my sketchbook, wouldja? It’s under the shirt there.” You move aside a crumpled shirt and reveal a spiral bound notebook with a pen stuck in the spiral, and various stray ink marks and scribbles littering the front. You pass it to Dave and he opens it to the middle.

 

You wait a minute while he stares down at the page, listening to the scratches of pen on paper. Eventually he rips out the page and scoots over beside you, holding it up between you. “See, this is a dick, what guys have. And this is a vagina, what girls have.” He points to each of the drawings in turn, and several others take up the rest of the page. “And there are some internal organs that help with reproduction, like there’s the uterus for carrying babies until they grow enough to come out. And here’s all the junk inside a guy that produces sperm cells to fertilize the lady’s eggs. With me so far?”

 

“Kinda?” So girls can have babies, but guys can’t? That seems really inefficient to you. And what’s up with the guy’s equipment being on the outside? You’re sure it isn’t like that permanently.

 

“Great. If you wanna know all the mechanical details, you gotta ask Rose. I don’t know shit about genetics or anything.”

 

“Yeah, okay.” No way are you ever asking Rose about any of this. You don’t trust her not to tell Kanaya, and she would think it was adorable and probably pinch your cheeks or something, and you would never ever live it down.

 

“So troll guys’ and girls’ equipment are like… the same?” Oh fuck, now Dave wants to have this conversation with you. Romance has always been your bag, but talking about pails and nooks and the like always made you feel uncomfortable. You guess you can’t deny him the same basic tutorial he gave you about human reproduction.

 

You huff and hold your hand out to him. “Give me the notebook.” He hands it to you and you hunch over it, scribbling a rough drawing out on the paper. “See, there’s a bulge, and there’s a nook. And Exhibit B, a bucket. Guys and girls have all of those things, for reproduction. Genetic material comes from both the bulge and the nook, and fills the filial pails for the drones to take to the incestuous slurry. Gender presentation isn’t based on any kind of genitalia, just personal preference, and sometimes blood caste. Any questions.”

 

“Dude, this drawing is the shittiest thing I’ve seen in my life. It looks like an octopus tentacle attached to a vagina that a ten year old boy drew on a bathroom stall with his nondominant hand.” Dave holds the book at arms length, turning it sideways and squinting his eyes.

 

“Shut up! It’s just a really fast sketch. Do you get it or not?” What an asshole, you were just trying to teach him something that any troll with a decent lusus would know before their first pupation. Your drawing is beautiful and anyone who doesn’t think so is a tasteless hack.

 

“Nah, man. I still got so many questions. Do you guys just like, squirt the material in the bucket on demand or what? Like is actual sex involved?” Your face feels warm again. You came here to help Dave fall asleep, not to answer weird questions about squirting. In fact, Dave doesn’t look the least bit sleepy. He looks more awake than when you first came in the room.

 

“Shouldn’t you be trying to sleep? I don’t think this question game is helping.” You turn away from Dave so he won’t see how embarrassed you are.

 

“Nah, I feel okay. I’m tired as fuck but not sleepy, you know? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.” You glance back at Dave. Behind his glasses, his face is inscrutable.

 

“No, I’m fine.” You suck in a breath and your next words come out all at once. “Genetic material doesn’t just come out when we want it to. Bulges only exit the body’s sheath upon arousal, and that’s when they and the nook start to produce genetic material. Continued contact with the area and further arousal produces more genetic material, enough to fill a pail when combined with another troll’s material.”

 

“Oh, so I guess just like human sex. But bulges are all the way inside your body until you start getting nasty with another troll?”

 

“I mean, another troll doesn’t necessarily have to be there, but yeah. What, does yours stay outside permanently?”

 

“Yeah, basically.”

 

“Isn’t that really dangerous? Anyone fighting you knows to go for that spot, since it’s the most vulnerable.”

 

“Yeah, it definitely is. I dunno, man. If someone decides to punch you in the dick, you probably deserve it.” You always forget that human society is so much more peaceful than Alternia. Getting into a life-threatening situation isn’t usual for humans. Sburb was a special case.

 

“Your turn.”

 

“Uh…” You want to get the subject away from pailing and the like. “Can humans eat troll food?”

 

“I mean, probably. I never tried, though. Don’t you guys eat stuff made out of bugs?”

 

“Yeah. What’s wrong with bugs?” Dave makes a face. Whatever, he’s the one missing out on delicious, fresh-from-the-oven grub loaf.

 

“Can trolls eat human food?”

 

“Yeah. Most of it, at least. Your guys’ diet is a lot more varied than ours, so some of it’s okay for us and some of it isn’t, according to Terezi. She alchemized a bunch of human food on the meteor before you guys came and tried all of it. I don’t think it would have anywhere near the nutrients we need, though. Kanaya really likes tea, I think, and Terezi likes anything with bright colors. One time she ate so many “Froot Loops’ she threw up a fucking rainbow all over the place. Right on Vriska and everything.”  Dave laughs, and you smile back at him.

 

“Your turn, bro.” You think for a moment. You have a question you’ve been wanting to ask Dave for a while, and since you’re already on the subject… what better time than now?

 

You pull your legs up to your chest and wrap your arms around them. “So, did you… were you ‘involved’ at all with Terezi, when you were still playing your game? Just curious, you don't have to answer if you don't want.”

 

Dave looks down at his hands as he fidgets with the blanket. “I mean… maybe, I guess. We flirted a lot? I don’t know if you could call that ‘being involved’. I don’t know if she would call it anything. I think that was just sort of, the way we acted around each other. I dunno."

 

"Did you... want to be involved?" You don't know why you even give a fuck. You and Terezi were never going to happen in any quadrant, even without Vriska's interference. The fact of the matter is, you were never more than an amusement to her. A desperate kid with delicious-smelling blood. 

 

"Hey, isn't it my turn?" Shit, it is. "Do _you_ still want to be 'involved' with her?"

 

That one throws you for a loop. What a direct fucking question. "No. I don't think so, anyway. I don't think...  I don't think I could have ever really been happy with her. I think I just really liked that someone was paying so much attention to me. And I just... wanted her to myself, you know? Like the dumbass I am, I wasn't happy with her advances in a single quadrant. I had to keep pushing the limits, from red to black to pale and back again. I kept sending her mixed signals, so I guess she got bored and moved on."

 

"To me." You nod. "And then to Vriska, I guess. How did we end up getting fucked over by the same girl? What a coincidence. But yeah, I don't think anything with me and Terezi would have worked out either. Flighty broads, ya know?"

 

"Haha, yeah." You keep looking down, chin resting on your knees. 

 

"Hey, Karkat?" You look up at Dave. "You know that it's not weird to like, want someone "all to yourself." That's like a normal thing in human culture. I get that it's not the same and you guys have quadrants and all that, for like reproductive reasons. But same as with blood color, like... I don't give a flying fuck. I don't think you're weird or sad or whatever because of it. Alright? So just, don't give yourself such a hard time."

 

You close your eyes. Fuck. That feeling hits you again, in your chest, something warm and overwhelming. Like you might cry and laugh at the same time.

 

You take a deep breath, and climb onto the plane. 

 

It _is_ much more comfortable than the floor, and you can stop huddling in on yourself for warmth now. Dave tosses you a corner of the blanket and you wrap it around yourself. It's kind of like the couch, but it's softer and warm with Dave's body heat. As guilty as you feel, you know this isn't weird to Dave so it shouldn't be weird to you. And it does feel nice to be off the floor.

 

"Mission 'Get Karkat's Ass Off the Freezing Metal Floor': Accomplished." 

 

"Ugh, stop talking. Any more questions?"

 

"Nah, I'm too tired to think of anything but this fucking mattress. I wanna human marry it and have tiny little mattress babies with my beautiful new mattress wife." You're almost 90% sure that a mattress doesn't have the proper female human equipment to produce babies. But who knows. 

 

Dave flops back on the plane, arms outstretched, and blows air through his lips. “But I’m still not fucking sleepy.”

 

“I could go get a book and read you something. If you think it would help.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” Dave’s cheek is squashed flat against the pillow, and his shades are sitting at an odd angle.

 

“Are you planning on going to sleep with those on?”

 

“The shades don’t come off, bro.” He really fucking sleeps with his shades? Not even Terezi or Equius would get into their recuperacoon with their glasses, and they wear those things all the damn time.

 

“Seriously? Why the fuck not?”

 

“They just don’t.” The edge in Dave’s voice lets you know not to press the issue. "There's a book in the pile there. Somewhere near the top I think." You wade through jeans, CDs, Dave's god tier pajamas, and various scrap paper until you find a small paperback book with a picture of a man being chased by a walking skeleton on the front.

 

"What is it about?"

 

"Oh, man. Adventures of Dr. Rex Invader and the Mummy's Curse is the best fucking book there ever was. There's a whole series about a archaeologist who goes looking for old  tombs and all that in Egypt, and he finds treasure and cool dead shit and fights monsters all the time." Dave settles down into the plane, his feet almost touching you when he stretches out. 

 

You crack it open and turn to the first page. The font is large, and EASY READER: 3rd GRADE is written at the bottom of the pages. "Dave... Is this a kid's book?" 

 

"Uh, yeah. I guess I'm not super great at like... reading. I need big font or else I forget which line I'm on, and the words get all mixed up so there's like no point. I made a mod for pesterchum and my browser, so that's fine and everything. But it doesn't even matter because mummies are fuckin' rad and this book is great." You're not sure Dave would be this upfront with you if he weren't exhausted.

 

You start in on the Adventures of Dr. Rex Invader and the Mummy's Curse, Chapter 1, and after awhile Dave stops making little quips about how awesome the characters are and goes quiet. When you get to Chapter 4, you stop, and Dave's breathing is deep and steady. His face is peaceful. You think about what he said about the quadrants, and the way you felt when you saw the bruise under his eye. His story about the hot chocolate, and what compelled you to go out of your way to make it for him in the first place. The way he trusts you to be near him while he sleeps. The way you felt when you read the book to him. The way you feel looking at him now. Protective. Caring. Happy. 

 

You realize that you, Karkat Vantas, are pale for your best friend.

 

Fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I just wanted to note that Dave has a very sex-reductionist view of gender here, and this is because he is a 14 year old kid who doesn't understand much about gender at this point in his life. His views on sex and gender do not reflect my views, or reality: just the flawed ideas of a teenage boy with a shitty guardian. I hope you liked this chapter, I wanted to do something a bit lighter and happier for Dave and Karkat after all the angst. Thanks for the comments and kudos, next chapter coming soon!~ <3


	5. Piles and Piles of Loser Sand

**⇒ Be Dave.**

    You name is Dave Strider, and when you finally wake up, you feel better than you have in a long, long time. Your muscles have lost their tension, your head has stopped feeling so heavy, and _damn_ do your blankets feel good. You think you’ll stay here forever and never get up again, ride out your three years on the meteor in this fuzzy haze where your thoughts are slow and dreamy and nothing hurts. You stretch your legs and curl your arms up like a cat, and you foot brushes something warm and solid. You freeze and for a split second your blood starts to chill, before you remember you’re here, you’re safe. You rock up to sitting position. _Karkat’s still here._ And he’s still sitting upright, the bastard, dozing with his head propped against your wall. His mouth is falling open, showing a few sharp front teeth through the gap. His chest rises and falls, and his eyebrows are still drawn together. You can’t help but smile. How does he manage to be angry even in his sleep?

 

You would get up and dressed, but you don’t want to wake Karkat. God knows he doesn’t sleep enough as it is. Your sketchbook is splayed open on the floor beside the mattress, open to the page of Karkat’s shitty drawing, and your empty mug is beside it. Memories of last night come flooding back to you. The question game. Explaining the wonders of human sex to Karkat. The hot chocolate. And _oh shit, did I really_ … You look back over to Karkat. Jesus, there it is. Still in Karkat’s lap, partially hidden by his knees. You cover your eyes with your hands. You will never, ever, in a million years, live this down. _There’s a reason you keep the Doc hidden in the pile, Dave!_ Fuck, you’re probably clocking in at about negative a thousand cool points right now. At the bottom of the cool Mariana’s trench, buried under piles and piles of loser sand and surrounded by those creepy deep-sea fish mocking you. Of course, you personally think that Rex Invader is about the raddest dude there ever was, and mummies and buried treasure are fuckin’ awesome and always have been. But it’s a kid’s Easy Reader, for christsakes. What made you think this was a good idea?

 

Maybe if you can get it back from him before he wakes up, he’ll forget all about it and never speak of it again. Lame plan, but it’s the best you can hope for. You scoot over beside him, doing your best not to shift your weight so that the mattress springs creak under you. You reach your arm over to the book slowly, and Karkat’s breath hitches above you. You try to pull back, but you end up smacking his thigh with your wrist like a complete spaz. Nice going. “Hmm? Hey, fuckface.” Karkat’s voice is thick with sleep, and you can tell his heart’s just not in his insult. He brings one hand up to his eyes, rubbing at them, and Mission Save Your Coolkid Reputation is a bust.

 

Eyes squinted, he picks up the book without even looking at it and sets it on top of the pile without comment. You internally heave a sigh of relief. “Mornin’. God damn, how long was I out?” Karkat reaches over and checks his phone, one eye squinched shut to block out the bright light.

 

“Hah. Ten hours.” You do a double-take. Ten full hours? You check your phone just to make sure.

 

“Nooooo way. Wait, were you here the whole time?”

 

“Uh, yeah. Well, I was asleep for part of it. I didn’t know humans could even sleep for this fucking long. Trolls sleep 8 hours at a time, max.” You feel kinda bad that you held Karkat hostage in your room all night, but secretly grateful that he stayed put. You’re a light sleeper, and if he’d tried to leave the heavy metal door would surely have woken you up.

 

If you’re being honest, you’re grateful to Karkat for a lot of things. Everything from going out of his way to make you hot chocolate, to reading you that stupid book, to staying up with you in the first place. No one else would even know if you were having trouble sleeping, much less do all this to help you. Not even your friends before the game. Rose would have probably figured out your problems for herself, and offered bullshit armchair psychology advice while congratulating herself for having Figured You Out. If Jade knew she would have just felt sorry for you, and you never wanted her pity. And John... he would never even think to ask in the first place.

 

You feel something heavy in the pit of your stomach.

 

But it’s quickly forgotten when Karkat rolls up his sleeves and asks if you want to go make some breakfast in the lab. You laugh, because it’s technically 11pm and no one in their right mind would even dream of having breakfast at this time. But hey, you’re moving at breakneck speed through an endless void, time doesn’t mean anything anymore, and you’re going to go make some fucking pancakes and coffee with someone who cares enough to stay with you. Someone who makes you feel like you might not mind staying on this meteor for another couple of years. Someone who, right now, is making you laugh. 

 

Your name is Dave Strider, and you feel fucking _great._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a happy little mini-chapter from dave's point of view where he finally gets to feel good and take a breather!! (before it all goes to shit heheh) 
> 
> more coming soon!! <3


	6. Surprise!

**== > Be Karkat. **

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and even though you've spent nearly a year on this godforsaken meteor, you still can't figure out how to alchemize a goddamn bottle of apple juice. 

 

Dave's wriggling day is coming up in a few days, and everyone has been scrambling to find presents for him that he can't just alchemize on his own. Rose knitted him a lumpy red sweater, Kanaya hand-baked him a bunch of chocolate chip cookies on a stove in the lab, and Terezi and Vriska's joint gift is some kind of shitty surprise that they're going to reveal on the day of. You're pretty sure the Mayor's present is gracing Dave with his presence, which is more than anyone could possibly ask for any given day of the year. 

 

You've never been very good at crafts, so you decide to try your hand at the alchimeter one more time in hopes of finding the key to getting Dave a bottle of "ice cold mutha fuckin AJ" for his birthday. You know how much he loves it, and that he had a hard time finding it even before the game started. But you haven't been having much luck, only managing to crank out about sixty boxes of Gushers and a few cartons of different fruit juices along the way, all of which you pass on to the Mayor. 

 

Rose and Kanaya are busy planning the decorations for the party, and you can tell by the glint in Kanaya's eyes that she's absolutely loving getting to pick out color schemes and elaborate party decor. You know Dave wouldn't give a single fuck if the only decoration at his party was an empty tube of gaper paper, but you're glad that it's giving Rose and Kanaya something to do. Even Vriska and Terezi are giggling and plotting something for Dave's wriggling day, so it looks like everyone's occupied. 

 

After accidentally alchemizing yet another box of Orange Explosion Subdural Hematoma Gushers, you give up for now and head down to the Mayor's playroom with an armful of boxes and a couple small cartons of fruit punch. 

 

 When you reach the room you're greeted by the Mayor (congenial as always) and Dave, who is intently focused on adding a new section to the mural on the walls of Can Town. You hand the goods over to the Mayor, who stows them in a little pull-out compartment in the wall. Fucking adorable. 

 

You sit down next to a pile of citizen cans and grab a piece of chalk, darkening the outlines on a couple of chess square zoning divisions. Dave's been doing a lot better lately, especially with things like his sleeping patterns and dream bubbles. He doesn't jump every time you walk into the same room as him unexpectedly, doesn't reach for a sword that's not there when someone accidentally sneaks up on him in the lab. That's the only reason you feel comfortable with the surprise party everyone is planning: you think he can handle it. And that it'll be a nice project for everyone to break up the mundane day-to-day of life on the meteor. 

 

After a quiet break with Dave and the Mayor, everyone concentrating on their chalk designs, you head back to the alchimeter with renewed determination. It's gonna be a long night. 

 

**== > Be Terezi. **

 

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and although you're never one to run from excitement, you're not quite sure that Vriska's plan is a good idea.

 

"Oh come oooooooon, Pyrope! Don't be such a buzzkill! We've been bored to death on this meteor for a year, don't you think that Dave would be too?"

 

"Well yeah, duh. But I don't know if this is the right way to go about it. Especially on his wriggling day and everything. Are you sure this is going to be okay?"

 

"Yeah I'm sure! Well, I'm pretty sure. He used to be all about fighting and swords and machismo, and now the most fun he can have is hanging around with Shouty all day and ranting about juice and capes. I mean, can you say snooze-fest? Besides, we can't exactly run it by him because it's gotta be a surprise! I promise you, we're doing him a favor." You're still not convinced, but stopping Vriska once she gets her mind set on something isn't exactly a walk in the park. You follow her down the hallway.

 

"Okay, now shut up. Rose said he's moping around the secondary ectobiology lab, we've gotta sneak up on him from behind. You got the pillowcase?" You hold it up and Vriska grins. "Great! Okay, you know the plan. You go high, I go low. Get ready to give him the time of his life!"

 

**== > Be Karkat. **

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you, Rose and Kanaya are waiting around the lab, impatient for Vriska and Terezi to hurry up and lure Dave to his surprise party. He's only a few rooms over, what could possibly be taking this long? God, you knew someone more responsible should have gone to get him, but Vriska insisted and she's so fucking stubborn it's a huge pain in the ass to change her mind. God only knows what their *super special surprise present* for Dave is. 

 

Rose and Kanaya have long since stopped crouching behind furniture to jump out and surprise Dave. Now everyone is sitting on the couch, Rose and Kanaya crouching over a book and you messaging Dave intermittently on your phone. 

 

\--- **carcinoGeneticist** started pestering **turnTechnologic** at **1:23pm**  ---

 

CG: DAVE?

CG: DAVE WHERE ARE YOU

CG: YOU'RE MISSING YOUR OWN FUCKING SURPRISE PARTY.

CG: WHICH I GUESS ISN'T A SURPRISE ANYMORE NOW THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT

CG: BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT. I'M WORRIED.

CG: JESUS, DID TEREZI AND VRISKA DO SOMETHING? I SWEAR TO GOD THOSE FLIGHTY BROADS WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO CARRY OUT A SIMPLE TASK IF IT BIT THEM IN THE BLOW SACK.

CG: BUT THEY'RE NOT EVEN HERE NOW. IT'S JUST ME AND ROSE AND KANAYA, AND WE ALL HAVE PRESENTS FOR YOU.

CG: DAVE, COME ON. I KNOW YOU'RE A *COOL GUY* WHO DOESN'T DO WIGGLER THINGS LIKE HAVE WRIGGLING DAY PARTIES. BUT ROSE AND KANAYA WORKED REALLY HARD SETTING THIS UP.

CG: GODDAMMIT, STRIDER. I'M COMING TO FIND YOU.

TG: karkat just fucking dont okay

CG: DAVE?? GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO THE LAB, WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR YOU.

TG: jesus im not fucking coming

CG: WHY NOT?

TG: ugh just

TG: im not coming to the party alright

TG: leave me alone

CG: DAVE, DID SOMETHING HAPPEN

 

But he doesn't even have to answer your question because you hear distant footsteps coming closer to the lab, and you, Rose and Kanaya give each other questioning looks. Vriska bursts in the door, huffing from exertion. "So, hey everyone! I have -huff- news. Long story short, party's cancelled." You open your mouth in protest, but Rose beats you to the punch.

 

"Vriska, what happened? Why did you run down here to tell us this? And where is Terezi?"

 

"Okay, so, funny story. We're all gonna have a barrel of laughs. So you know me and Terezi's super awesome surprise gift for Dave?" You glare at Vriska. You don't like the look on her face. "We were gonna 'fake kidnap' him and carry him to the party. Just for fun! To get his blood pumping. So we got a pillowcase and everything and Terezi put it over his head, and I grabbed him by the waist and I was going to carry him to the lab. But then he went berserk and elbowed Terezi in the face and probably broke her nose. Man, there was teal EVERYWHERE! And then he ran away to go cry in his room, probably. Good times!"

 

You cannot fucking _believe_ these two! Rose and Kanaya speak to one another in hushed tones, and you would probably be able to hear them if you weren't alternating between yelling at Vriska at the top of your lungs and messaging Dave on your phone.

 

CG: VRISKA TOLD US WHAT HAPPENED

CG: DAVE PLEASE LET ME COME CHECK ON YOU. I'M REALLY WORRIED.

CG: NO ONE'S MAD THAT YOU HURT TEREZI. HONESTLY WE'RE ALL JUST ANGRY AT THEM FOR RUINING YOUR WRIGGLING DAY.

CG: I'M SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED, TODAY OF ALL DAYS. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO COME TO THE PARTY WE UNDERSTAND.

TG: is terezi okay

CG: VRISKA SAYS HER NOSE IS PROBABLY BROKEN

TG: oh my god

CG: BUT HONESTLY SHE DESERVES IT. AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU KNOW.

TG: i mean

TG: isn't it

TG: im such a fuckup that even now im still physically hurting my friends

CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THE TIME YOU HEADBUTTED ME IN THE CHIN WAS A TOTAL ACCIDENT. AND IT WAS MONTHS AGO.

CG: AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A FUCKUP?

TG: karkat don't you get it

TG: a fucking year later and im still not over what happened with my bro

TG: im still flinching when people touch me and jumping at tiny noises

TG: its pathetic

TG: im supposed to be the guy that makes it all happen you know

TG: im supposed to be a hero

TG: im literally a god for fucks sake

TG: and i cant even handle a fucking surprise party

TG: it’s just so stupid

TG: but i feel like everything with my bro and the game and even now

TG: the universe just didnt ever want to give me a damn break

TG: like all of paradox space was conspiring against me to grow up as fast as possible

TG: like crash landing on a meteor and being found by the shittiest guy possible is already fuckin auspicious right

TG: and then even after the game started

TG: and everyone was like predestined by skaia to be put in conditions best suited to facilitate their personal growth

TG: i got a planet that fuckin terrified me

TG: and a hero title that comes loaded with the most responsibility of any of our sessions players

TG: i had to watch myself and all of my friends die more times than anyone can count

TG: like congrats dave you escaped from your shitty house and now you get to play this magic game with all your best friends

TG: except everyone else is gonna have a fantastic time frolicking around their kiddie planets and *discovering themselves*

TG: while you somehow accrue EVEN MORE childhood trauma and end up being more fucked up than ever

TG: and even now, anytime i feel like i can forget what happened it all comes rushing back

TG: like i know it’s so fucking self-absorbed to think this

TG: but i think that somehow

TG: i was just never meant to be happy

TG: not for any extended period of time anyway

TG: like some kind of overwhelming cosmic force just decided one day, yep dave is gonna have a shitty ass time for the rest of forever

TG: and stamped it with their official paradox seal and sent it on down the line for approval

TG: space congress passed the bill into law and that was that

TG: and what happened with terezi just fucking confirms it

TG: you know, john and jade never even had to think about being happy

TG: it was something they just were

TG: and they never questioned it

TG: and i think rose had a pretty decent life before the game, with her mom and everything

TG: even though she likes to think her mom was terrible, she got like

TG: christmas presents and birthday parties and baby pictures

TG: my bro tried to throw me off the fuckin roof as a baby!

TG: i only know because he told me about it years later, like i was supposed to be proud that i didnt die or something

TG: and god i know it’s so fucked up for me to be jealous or resentful or any of the shit that my friends had growing up

TG: but i fucking am

TG: like what did i do to miss out on the life normal kids are supposed to have

TG: i cant help but think that somehow like

TG: i did something to deserve it

CG: I’M COMING TO YOUR BLOCK.

TG: karkat no

TG: dont fucking come down here im serious

TG: ugh

TG: fuck i know youre probably already on your way

TG: karkat?

But you’re already out the door and down the hallway, with two fists full of clenching, a mouth full of sympathy, and several months’ worth of deeply repressed pale feelings for your human best friend.

 

And when you heave open the door to his room Dave is sitting in the corner of his room, legs curled into his chest and hands wrapped around them. You see him and you’re frozen, still standing in the doorway. You came down here with so many things to say to him, to tell him that he deserves so much more from life that he’s gotten. That he’s special, that he’s important to you, that he doesn’t have to be a hero. He just has to be Dave.

 

But all of those words you’ve been wanting to say for months and months are lost now, caught somewhere in your throat, at the sight of Dave crying.

 

“Karkat?” Dave looks up at you, and for the very first time, you see his uncovered eyes. Candy red irises. The color of your blood. The color of his.

 

And it feels like a dream as you walk over to him and hold out your hand, and he takes it in his, and you pull him up to stand. He wipes his eyes and looks away, tries to make a joke but you don’t hear it. You feel like you’re really seeing him for the first time, no shades to hide his face anymore.

 

You never realized he’d look like this.

 

And of course he’s still talking, trying to play it cool, but you’re absolutely _not_ having it. Dave sees the look on your face and his voice trails off. For possibly the first time in recorded history, both of you are speechless.

 

And you know that it’s wrong, you know what you’re about to do isn’t nearly as meaningful to Dave as it is to you. But you also know that there’s nothing in all of paradox space that could possibly stop you from fucking doing it.

 

You wrap your arms around Dave’s waist and pull him close to you, and _fuck,_ it feels even better than you thought it would. He’s startled at first, but he lets it happen, his torso pressing into yours and his face resting on your shoulder.

 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay,” you croon, your voice low and soft. It feels so natural, your instincts kick in and you know exactly what to do. Nothing you’ve ever done has felt so _right_ like this does, even though you know it’s wrong, know you shouldn’t be pretending like this is anything more than “human friendship” to Dave.

 

His shoulders curl in and you support some of his weight. “Shh, shh. It’s okay, Dave. I got you.” His shoulders start to shake, like silent laughter, and he wraps his arms around you and squeezes you tight. You cling to one another, and you’re still murmuring _hey, it’s okay, shh, you can let it out, you’re safe, you’re safe,_ over and over. You can hear the quiet noises Dave is muffling with your shirt and your chest feels warm and full. You could stay just like this for days, weeks, years.

 

And you do stay, for a long time, just you and Dave holding tightly to each other in the empty room. You don’t know what this means and right now you don’t care, not about anything but making sure the boy in your arms is safe and cared for.

 

After Dave goes silent and you’re pretty sure he’s cried himself out, you pull away and lead him by the hand to the mattress. His face is blotchy, and he looks dazed and faraway. He stands still as you wrap him in a blanket, and the two of you sit down.

 

“Um, I didn’t mean to, like, drag you into-”

 

“Shut up, you didn’t drag me into anything.” If Dave thinks that you entrenching yourself in his emotional well-being is anyone’s doing but your own, he’s got another thing coming. “How do you feel?”

 

“Hah. Really, really stupid.”

 

“You’re not stupid, Dave. Do you really think you don’t deserve to cry, after all the shit that’s happened to you? Look, you don’t ever have to feel bad about showing your emotions in front of me. I don’t think any differently of you because of it, okay?” Dave nods, but you’re not sure he’s convinced. That’s fine, though. You’ve got all the time in the world to convince him.

 

"What your Bro did to you is really fucked up. And I don't mean to be harsh, but it seems like your friends were too absorbed in their own lives to see that anything was seriously wrong. And the whole entire concept of families is literally alien to me, but I'm damn sure that what your Bro did isn't right. And I'm also sure that none of the hellish shit that's happened to you thus far in your life is your fault. And it's fine if you don't believe me, because a lot of fucked up stuff has happened to me that I still think is my fault. Everything from my blood color, to the death of like half of my friends, to literally giving your entire universe cancer. Like I feel like some immutable facet of my being just caused a bunch of shitty stuff to happen to me and to people around me. So, yeah, I totally get how that feels. And I get how it feels to know that it's bullshit, but still feel that way, you know? So you don't have to hide it around me. We're both pretty fucked up, so I guess we can be fucked up in good company at least." Dave laughs a little at that one, and you smile back at him. 

 

"Hey Karkat?" Dave's looking down, nervous about something. "So what does this, like. Mean."

 

Oh, shit. Is he asking what you think he's asking? "What do you mean, what does it mean."

 

"Like... are we moirails now? I mean, you just did the shooshpap thing, or at least I think that's what that was. And I know that's like a huge deal for trolls, and you said that we were just human friends, but... I don't know. Just, never mind, forget I said anything."

 

Ohhhhhhhhhh shit. You know it's now or never. _Take a deep breath and bite the bullet, Karkat. If he hates you forever, well, he's just one more to add to the list._  "We don't have to be anything you don't want to be. But, uh, yeah. I do have pale feelings for you. Like, a lot of them. And I have for a while now. Which is fucked up because humans can't even have those feelings, especially for a member of a completely different species of their own, I mean this really makes me some kind of predatory asshole who has no respect-" Dave cuts you off. 

 

"Okay, now it's your turn to shut up. What makes you so sure I can't have those kinds of feelings?" Huh. You'd always just kind of assumed. If humans can have pale feelings, why don't they have pale relationships? "Karkat, you're my best fucking friend. And I care a lot about you, and I want you to be happy. And I've never... I've never felt towards someone the way I feel about you. Like yeah, we're human friends. But not in the same way that me and John or Rose or Jade were friends. I dunno." Dave's face is turning pink, and you feel numb with adrenaline. "Who says we can't be moirails?"

 

"Dave, are... are you serious about this?" At this point, you feel like you'll literally tear your own horns out and make a goddamn table centerpiece out of them if this is all some sort of elaborate prank. 

 

"Yeah. I mean, from what I understand about moiralliegance and everything... I just care a lot about you, okay? And I want to do everything I can to make sure you're happy. I like being close to you, and I do feel personally responsible for your well-being. And if you feel the way that I do, then I don't see why we can't make this happen." Holy fuck. You didn't think this would happen. You didn't think this  _could_ happen. But Dave feels the same way, Dave  _wants_ you the way you want him, and you think you might just fucking explode. 

 

But instead you can't stop yourself from laughing, it bubbles up in you and you can't help it, you're just so overwhelmed and happy. Tears start blurring your vision and you have a stitch in your side and before you know it Dave's laughing along with you. "Hahaha, we're doing it! We're making this happen!" You can't believe he made a reference to his ridiculous webcomic, and you can't believe the way something so stupid is making you grin inside. But isn't that such a Dave thing to do? 

 

When the laughter subsides and it's just the two of you sitting on the mattress, you remember something. "Oh shit, I forgot about your present!" You have it captchalogued, wrapped neatly in paper that Rose helped you and Kanaya alchemize. 

 

"Hey, no, Karkat, you don't have to-" But you shove it in his hands anyway, eyes shining, because you can't wait to see the look on his face when he opens it. He shakes it a little and listens to the sloshing of liquid against glass. His eyes light up. "Is this what I fucking think it is?"

 

"Maybe. Now open it." You don't have to tell Dave twice, and the paper is gone in the blink of an eye. And as soon as he can process what he's holding, he slings both arms around your shoulders and squeezes you tight in a bear hug. 

 

"Oh my god Karkat, you fucking didn't! Rose spent hours trying to figure this shit out!" Dave's still looking at the bottle like you just handed him the keys to a new four wheel device. 

 

"Hahah, yeah, well. I spent days. And I can give you the captcha code and everything, so you can alchemize as much as you want. It'll be a fruity rumpus apple juice slumber party every night of the week." 

 

"This is honest to god the best birthday present I've ever gotten. Thanks, Karkat." God, the smile on his face is worth all those hours you spent at the alchimeter. 

 

"No problem. But we'd better go out and make sure Rose and Kanaya's presents don't show mine up." Dave nods and grabs his glasses, and the two of you walk back to the lab together, joking and laughing with one another, just like always. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys liked this chapter, i had so much fun writing it and i would love to hear your feedback in the comments! (also stay tuned because its gonna get weird with the quadrants real real soon) <3


	7. Intermission: Symphonie De Deux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a note here: for this chapter PLEASE HEED the warning in the tags about past child abuse. if you are triggered by child abuse, please do not read this chapter! this fic is still completely readable with this chapter taken out, as it's an intermission focusing on rose and kanaya. 
> 
> with that said, please enjoy this chapter focusing on rose's birthday, inspired by user applejee!

**== > Be Rose.**

 

Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you are currently leaning over a stovetop next to your matesprit, puzzled at the many temperature dials to which the labels have worn off long ago. You fiddle with a dial, cranking it all the way to one side and then back again. “It seems that turning them to the right increases the heat, and left decreases it. You found them turned all the way left, correct?”

 

“Well, yes. That is to say, probably.” You give Kanaya a look, and she returns a sheepish one. “I can’t remember which way they were turned. I spent quite a while experimenting with each of them before I asked you for help.”

 

“Ha ha, that’s fine. I’m really not even sure that these stoves are attached to a power source, anyway. I wonder if they’re gas or electric…” You crouch and tilt your head to see behind the stove, but it’s pressed tightly to the wall. “Kanaya, do you mind moving the stove out a bit for me?”

 

Kanaya nods, and with a firm grip on the sides of the stove, gently pulls it a few inches out from the wall. You never cease to be amazed by the sheer strength Kanaya’s rainbow drinker powers entail, and the grace with which she exercises it.

 

You reach back behind the stove and find a power cord hidden behind a small panel. “Here we go. It just wasn’t plugged in.” You snake the cord down towards you and plug it into a wall outlet, and Kanaya pushes the stove back against the wall. You turn a dial to the right and the metal filaments within the stove start to glow a deep red. “Thank you for your assistance, Rose.” You smile at Kanaya. Always so formal, even after all this time.

 

“No problem. Now, what exactly were you planning to bake?”

 

“Chocolate chip cookies, I believe they are called. I asked Karkat what sort of present Dave might want for his wriggling day, and he suggested several ‘treats’ that Dave enjoys. And although he can alchemize them any time he wishes, I figured that it would mean more to him if a friend were to bake them by hand.”

 

You think this a good idea. You’re not sure Dave’s ever had anyone actually bake him something before, even before the game. Come to think of it, you haven’t, either. Your mother attempted to make various home-cooked meals on several occasions, but ended up too drunk to remember the various steps of the recipe each time. You often found her passed out on the kitchen floor, with an uncooked, botched casserole on the counter or store-bought cinnamon rolls burning in the oven. Since Dave’s birthday is coming up in a few days, you hope to God that Kanaya does a better job on these cookies.

 

“I think that sounds very nice. Do trolls ever bake their food in an oven?” Kanaya begins rolling up her sleeves to start preparing the cookies, a loose smock buttoned over her work clothes.

 

“It depends on blood caste, and also on geographical location. Many lower bloods who live in communal hive stems have access to places where grubs can be bought and cooked in the hive. But trolls who live in rural areas and seadwelling trolls often have neither have the means or the inclination to cook their grubs, preferring to catch and eat them raw.” You resist the urge to make a face. You’ve seen Kanaya eat before, and it doesn’t gross you out, as long as you don’t think too hard about _what_ she’s eating.

 

“I, however, have never cooked anything before. And to be honest, I’m a bit worried.”  You curl up on a small couch near the stoves, facing Kanaya as she gathers all the ingredients from the counter.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m sure Dave will appreciate your gift no matter how it turns out. I’m not any better than you at baking, so I can’t really give you any pointers. But I’d be happy to provide moral support.” You exchange a smile with Kanaya, then watch as she measures out the flour into a bowl.

 

You never get tired of looking at her, honestly. Her face, her frame, the elegance of her movements. Her peculiar little expressions when she thinks no one’s watching. Everything about her is just so _fascinating,_ and if it didn’t sound so clinical to say that you’ve been studying your girlfriend, well…

 

 

Kanaya keeps her eyes trained steadily on the measuring cup as she speaks. “Rose, I urge you to reconsider your position on your own wriggling day celebration. I’m sure it would make Dave happy to celebrate with you, and we would make sure not to bring presents or do anything elaborate. No one minds going to the trouble-”

 

“I mind, Kanaya. Just let it drop, okay?” Kanaya frowns, and continues puzzling over the cookie recipe in silence. Time for a subject change. You spy the spine of a worn book peeking out from beneath one of the throw pillows on the couch. “Would you like me to continue reading aloud from The Rainbow Drinker Chronicles: Forbidden Passion of the Sunlight while you bake?”

 

Kanaya stops what she’s doing, brushes her hands off on her smock and places them pointedly on her hips. “Rose, as much as I appreciate your offer to read aloud erotic fiction in the middle of a public space during the daytime, I would like to keep my full attention on the task at hand.” You crack a mischievous smile, and jump up from the couch to peck Kanaya on the cheek.

 

“Sometimes I regret teaching you the art of human sarcasm. Your lines are the deadliest. Your burns, the harshest.” Kanaya smiles back at you, and straightens your headband in that motherly fashion of which she’s so fond. You return the favor with a facetious eye roll and dramatic sigh.

 

Somewhere in the midst of your romantic teenage interspecies gigglefest, you realize that you're starving. “I’m going to alchemize something to eat. Would you like anything?” Kanaya licks her lips. You know her real answer is blood, since when is it ever _not_ blood? But that particular delicacy costs a fortune to alchemize, and Kanaya has more restraint than to drain you several times a day in the interest of three squares.

 

“Just some hot tea, please. Any kind is fine.” Kanaya can’t stomach any kind of human food other than tea, but she loves it in all its forms. Anything from oolong to sweet tea to milk tea, and everything in between. You prefer dark roast coffee.

 

“Coming right up.” You sit down at the alchemiter and crack open the binder you created at the beginning of your stay on the meteor to record all known captcha codes and item combinations. You open it up to the “food” tab and browse the menu. Right now is about time for brunch, so you alchemize your meal accordingly. (And a nice silver platter and filigree utensils, just because you can.) And of course, Kanaya’s tea. You’re still deciding whether to go with loose-leaf or bagged when you sense someone moving behind you.

 

“Kanaya, would you prefer loose-leaf or-” You turn around, and the grey figure looming above you is most certainly _not_ Kanaya. Although he could pass for a short, loud, perpetually exhausted knockoff version of her. “Oh, hello Karkat. I’ll be out of your way in a second.” You punch in the last few keys and a steaming teacup appears on the platform. You move to collect your brunch, and Karkat sits down in your place and flips through the binder. After a moment he huffs, and tosses the binder back into its place before hunching over the alchemiter and punching in random codes.

 

You stand beside him, brunch platter in hand. “Karkat, what are you trying to alchemize?” It looks more like he’s assaulting the machine rather than actually trying to create anything. Ordinarily you’d let him go about his business, but if he somehow breaks the alchemiter then you’re all royally screwed.

 

“Apple juice.” You pause for a moment. Did he say what you think he said?

 

“Apple juice?”

 

“Yes, Rose. Apple juice. Not that hard of a concept to grasp. Now move along, I want to hurry up and get this done fast so I can get back to breakneck excitement that is life on this desolate space heap.” You squint in annoyance at Karkat, but he’s already hunched over the machine, pushing more random buttons.

 

 _Oh my god, does he seriously think he can alchemize apple juice?_ You’ve spent hours trying to do the same exact thing without bearing any fruit (pun not intended). And let’s be honest: you’re a Seer of Light. Getting how things work is your whole _thing_. Karkat thinking that he’d be able to accomplish something like this without breaking a sweat is the exactly the kind of unsavory hubris that gets under your skin. You know it’s almost definitely for Dave’s birthday present, and you know Karkat’s only like this when he’s been awake for several days straight. But… he was condescending. So you are absolutely going to let your old notes on the alchemy of apple juice rot on a shelf rather than share them with him. If he’s so confident he can figure it out on his own, why not let him?

 

You primly turn on your heel and walk back to Kanaya, setting her teacup beside her with a smile.  You curl up on the couch with your mug of coffee and watch Kanaya roll lumps of cookie dough in her hands and place them on the greased metal sheet. You finished your present for Dave months ago: a hand-knit sweater in his favorite color. Practical, aesthetically pleasing, and from the heart. Perfect. 

 

Kanaya finishes her baking, you finish your meal, and the two of you head up to your room to finish your dramatic reading of The Rainbow Drinker Chronicles: Forbidden Passion of the Sunlight without frustrated mutters coming from the alchemiter’s corner of the lab. You chuckle a bit as Karkat kicks the corner of the alchimeter. You’re not a betting girl. But if you were, your money wouldn’t be on Dave getting that apple juice any time soon.

 

*     *     *

 

The morning of Dave’s birthday, you gather everyone on the meteor (except Dave, and of course, Gamzee) to the lab for a meeting. Since your plans involve Dave being kept out of the loop, you had to make sure that he didn’t accidentally wander into the meeting. You accomplished this by calling everyone to the lab over the intercom at 5 in the morning, making sure to calibrate it so that the message reached Terezi, Vriska, Karkat, and Kanaya’s rooms individually instead of the meteor as a whole.

 

“GOD DAMMIT ROSE! You’re a Seer, can’t you SEE how early it is? Stupid Dave and his stupid wriggling day, he doesn’t need a party. We can just give him a ceremonial noogie on the day of and call it quits.” Vriska has her feet propped up on the coffee table and her overshirt pulled up over her eyes to block out the light. Terezi looks similarly grumpy, sulking on the couch beside Vriska. Kanaya is awake and attentive, since she normally wakes up at around five in the morning anyways. Karkat looks no more perturbed than usual, but that isn’t saying much.

 

“Vriska, if you stay quiet and let me tell you what I’m going to tell you, then you can go back to sleep. So stop whining.” She acquiesces, but not before groaning and banging her feet on the table just a bit more. “Okay, great. Now, today is Dave’s birthday, and all of us are the de facto planning committee. Even you two.” You squint and point at Terezi and Vriska.

 

“So, I’m assuming we all have presents picked out?” Kanaya nods, as does Vriska (although Terezi shoots her a questioning look). Karkat hesitates, but nods, and you opt not to question it.

 

“Great. Okay, so here’s how it’s going to go down. Me and Kanaya are in charge of party decorations and setting up the food. Karkat, you’re in charge of making sure we keep tabs on Dave so that he doesn’t see us doing anything party-related. Vriska and Terezi, when it’s time, you’ll find a way to lure Dave into the lab for his party. I don’t really care how you do it, just make sure he gets here on time.” Vriska nods, and you don’t like the smile on her face. You’ve managed to keep her away from the real responsibility, though, so you’re not too worried.

 

"And tomorrow, as some of you may already know, is my birthday. NOTHING is to be done for it. No presents, no parties, no "Happy Birthday Rose"es in passing in the hallway. And I'm not just saying that, I really mean it. I will _literally_ disembowel you." Kanaya squinches up her face at that. "Everyone got it?" They nod. 

 

“Okay. You can go back to bed now.” Terezi’s the first one out the door, Vriska following close behind and whispering something to her with a toothy grin. Karkat heads straight to the alchimeter, and Kanaya stays in the chair beside you, leaning over to speak.

 

“Rose, what are your plans for party decorations?” Kanaya’s eyes are glistening, and you know she loves this kind of thing. Color-coordiation, design themes, et cetera.

 

“I don’t have any plans. I figured you would enjoy decorating the lab the most out of anyone, I’m only here to supervise.” You wink at Kanaya and she smiles back at you, and before you know it she’s run off to her room to gather her fabric samples and various event planning magazines. You really hope this makes up for her not being able to celebrate your own birthday. You just… really really don’t want to dredge those memories back up. Not now, when you're finally happy. 

  
  
*     *     *

 

**== > Be Kanaya.**

 

grimAuxilatrix [CG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 7:25am

 

GA: Hello Karkat

CG: OH, HEY KANAYA. HOW’S THE PARTY PLANNING GOING?

GA: Very Well Actually

GA: I Am In Charge Of Party Decorations

GA: Which I Think Suits My Personal Interests Very Well

GA: I Never Realized A Wriggling Day Involving Other People Could Be So Exciting

CG: HAH, ME EITHER. IT’S SO STRANGE THAT HUMANS DO THINGS LIKE EAT TOGETHER AND GIVE ONE ANOTHER PRESENTS ON THEIR WRIGGLING DAYS.

CG: I ALWAYS SPENT MINE REFLECTING ON THE MISTAKES I’D MADE OVER THE LAST SWEEP, AND THE MISTAKES I WOULD PROBABLY ALSO MAKE IN THE FUTURE.

CG: LIKE A SPECIAL HOLIDAY TO WALLOW IN SELF-LOATHING, AS IF THAT WASN’T WHAT I DID EVERY DAY.

GA: Seriously

CG: WELL, YEAH. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOURS?

GA: My Lusus And I Would Spend A Quiet Day Together Speaking About My Future

GA: And The Future Of All Trolls Really

GA: She Had A Lot Of Stories To Share About Jadebloods As Well

GA: It Was Nice To Talk About What It Meant To Share In The Rich History and Culture Of My Blood Caste

GA: Even Though Most Of What They Did Was Mill About Dark Caverns And Glow A Lot

GA: Their Social Role Was Still Very Important To Troll Culture And Had Lots of Impact On Our Development As A Species

CG: THAT DOES SOUND NICE.

GA: Yes It Was

GA: Anyway The Question I Meant To Ask You Was

GA: Are You Having Trouble Finding A Present For Dave

CG: MAYBE. WHY DO YOU ASK?

GA: Well You Have Been Working On Something At The Alchemiter For A Few Days Now

GA: And I Noticed The Look On Your Face During Today’s Meeting

GA: If You’re Having Trouble Alchemizing Something Maybe I Could Help

CG: YEAH, YOU GOT ME. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO ALCHEMIZE SOME GODDAMN APPLE JUICE FOR DAYS NOW AND I STILL CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT.

CG: I MEAN, HOW HARD CAN IT BE? IT’S JUST FRUIT JUICE. BUT DAVE REALLY LOVES IT, HE TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH HE MISSES IT ALL THE TIME. AND I’VE ALREADY WORKED FOR SO LONG ON IT THAT BY NOW IT’S SORT OF A PERSONAL VENDETTA.

GA: Karkat Are You Sure This Is What You Want To Do

GA: Dave’s Birthday Is Today

GA: When The Humans First Came To The Meteor Rose Spent Ages Trying To Make It For Him To No Avail

CG: JESUS, IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT? AT THIS POINT I MIGHT AS WELL START PUNCHING IN EVERY SINGLE CAPTCHA PERMUTATION POSSIBLE TO SEE IF I GET LUCKY.

CG: BUT YEAH, NO, I’M NOT GIVING UP OR ANYTHING. IF WORST COMES TO WORST I’LL JUST ALCHEMIZE SOMETHING RIGHT BEFORE THE PARTY AND KEEP WORKING ON IT LATER, FOR HIS NEXT BIRTHDAY OR SOMETHING.

GA: Wow Youre Really Serious About This Arent You

CG: YEAH PRETTY MUCH.

GA: Well

GA: I May Be Able To Help

CG: SERIOUSLY?

GA: Yes

GA: Rose Keeps All Of Her Old Alchemy Notes In A Journal In The Library

GA: I Can Show Them To You

GA: Then At Least Youll Know What Combinations Dont Work

CG: WOW, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

GA: I Wouldnt Let Rose Know That Youre Using Her Notes Though

GA: Although She Left Them In The Library For Public Use She Still Might Be Upset If She Found That Someone Had Made A Discovery That She Considers Esteemed Using Her Own Work

CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO USE THEM IF SHE MIGHT BE UPSET WITH YOU? I MEAN, YOU ARE HER MATESPRIT, DOESN’T YOUR LOYALTY SORT OF LIE WITH HER? IT’S PROBABLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL, BUT STILL.

GA: That Is A Good Question

GA: And I Will Answer It With Another Question

GA: Are You Sure That The Relationship Between You And Dave is Completely “In The Bro Zone”

CG: HOLY SHIT, KANAYA. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION EVEN IS THAT.

GA: Im Sorry

GA: Is “The Bro Zone” Not The Correct Term

GA: I Heard Dave Say It Once And I Interpreted The Meaning Through Context

CG: OH MY GOD

CG: THE TERM “THE BRO ZONE” ISN’T EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT’S WRONG WITH ASKING THAT

CG: THE NATURE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP IS A WHOLE GODDAMN BEEHIVE OF NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BEESWAX.

CG: JESUS, NOW I KNOW WHY THEY CALL YOU FUSSYFANGS.

CG: BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW

CG: WE ARE *COMPLETELY* IN THE BRO ZONE.

GA: Mmhmm

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, “Mmhmm”???

GA: It Means

GA: “Perhaps Karkat Is Being Insincere About His True Feelings Towards Dave”

GA: “Evidenced By His Out-Of-The-Ordinary Level Of Concern For His Personal Preferences And Emotional State”

GA: “Which I Have Known About For Some Time”

CG: . . .

CG: IS IT REALLY THAT OBVIOUS?

GA: Not To Anyone But Me

GA: I Dont Mean To Tease You

GA: And I Apologize If It Came Off That Way

GA: But The Answer To My Question Is Also The Answer To Yours

CG: WHAT

GA: It Seems That The Two Of You Have Been Good For One Anothers Personal Development

GA: Both You And Dave Seem To Have Matured And Mellowed A Good Deal Since The Beginning Of Our Journey

GA: And Correct Me If Im Wrong But I Believe It To Be Due To Your Relationship With One Another

GA: I Want To See You And Dave Happy

GA: And If That Means That Each Of You Successfully Fill A Quadrant Of The Other

GA: Then I Will Do What I Can To Facilitate That End

CG: FUCK. I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS BEING THAT TRANSPARENT.

GA: My Only Question Is

GA: Pale Or Red

CG: PALE! JESUS FUCK KANAYA, JUST PALE.

GA: Ha Ha

GA: I Had To Ask

CG: BUT MY FEELINGS AREN’T EXACTLY… REQUITED.

CG: UGH THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING TO TALK ABOUT

CG: BUT I GUESS IT SHOULDN’T BE, SINCE YOU ALREADY KNOW ALL THE PERSONAL INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY ROMANTIC LIFE JUST THROUGH OBSERVATION.

GA: I Didnt Know They Were Unrequited

CG: REALLY? I’D THINK IT WOULD BE PRETTY OBVIOUS.

GA: No Not Really

GA: Not By The Way Dave Acts When Youre Not Around

GA: I Would Have Assumed That The Two Of You Were Simply Being Cagey Towards The Rest Of Us About Your Involvement With One Another

CG: WAIT WOAH HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN

CG: HOW DOES HE ACT WHEN I'M NOT AROUND?

GA: Well

GA: This Is My Subjective Opinion And In No Way Definitive

GA: But Dave Seems To Speak About You In A Quantity and Manner That Bespeaks Feelings That Go Beyond “Bro” Level

CG: OH, THAT. WELL, I DON’T THINK THAT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.

CG: HAVING SPENT MOST OF MY TIME ON THE METEOR WITH HIM, I THINK THAT’S JUST HOW HE HANDLES FRIENDSHIP. IT’S A HUMAN THING.

GA: Possibly

GA: Of Course I Wouldnt Presume To Know

GA: But From What Rose Has Told Me About Human Friendship The Two Of You Seem Awfully Close For It To Be Completely Platonic

GA: However, Rose Has Never Demonstrated Pale Feelings For Another Being That I Know Of, Troll Or Human

GA: So Do With That Information What You Will

CG: THANKS. BUT I REALLY DON’T THINK IT’LL EVER HAPPEN WITH ME AND DAVE IN THE PALE QUADRANT.

CG: OR ANY OTHER QUADRANT.

CG: DOESN’T MEAN I’M GOING TO STOP FEELING THAT WAY IMMEDIATELY, THOUGH.

GA: Karkat Believe Me

GA: Im No Stranger To Unrequited Feelings

GA: And If You Ever Want To Talk To Someone About It Im Always Available

CG: HAHA, THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO A PALE SOLICITATION IN AND OF ITSELF, KANAYA.

GA: Does It

GA: Ugh Im Always Doing That

GA: The Offer Still Stands Though

CG: THANKS, I’LL KEEP IT IN MIND.

CG: DO YOU MIND SHOWING ME THOSE NOTES SOON? I MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT THE ALCHEMITER IF NOT.

GA: Sure Karkat

GA: I Can Meet You In The Library Now If You Want

CG: SEE YOU THERE.

 

* * *

 

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and it's positively eating you alive that today is your matesprit's wiggling day and you can't do anything at ALL to celebrate it. Dave's party didn't exactly come off without a hitch, but in the end everyone was gathered together, and happy. Using Rose's notes, Karkat managed to alchemize his present for Dave less than an hour before the party started. You feel a bit guilty about letting him use Rose's notes without her explicit permission, but you manage to drown that out in your feelings of vicarious happiness for the two boys. Dave opened up your cookies and started eating them right then and there, passing them around to Rose and Karkat. He made use of Rose's present in the same immediate fashion, trying it on over his shirt as soon as he opened it and declaring it a perfect fit. As far as you know, he hasn't taken it off since.

 

Rose was in shock that Karkat somehow managed to alchemize apple juice, but you think she ended up being more impressed than resentful in the long run. In the end, everyone ate the food that Rose alchemized, complimented your party decorations, and Dave said that it was the best birthday he'd ever had (despite the nose-breaking incident earlier in the day). You only wish you could make Rose feel the same way about her wriggling day.

 

You decide that even if you can't throw her a party or give her any gifts, you're still going to make this the best normal day she could have. She wakes up much later than you do. (A full hour past five AM!) You use that time to make breakfast just the way she likes: coffee as black as physically possible, orange juice (extra pulp), toast with blackberry preserves. At 6am sharp you knock lightly on her door, tray in hand. "Rose? Are you awake?"

 

You hear a groan from inside the room. You chuckle to yourself and push open the door with your shoulder. Rose's room is tastefully done in minimalist style (courtesy of her vision, your design skills, and the alchemiter) but she still somehow manages to clutter the floor with stray objects and clothes. You set the tray down on her night table and set to work folding her clean laundry. "Kanaya?" Rose rubs the sleep out of her eyes and sits up on the bed, eyeing the tray. "Did you make me breakfast?"

 

"Yes. But simply as a normal nice thing that one member of a romantic partnership does for the other. Not special at all, just normal breakfast." You're doing a great job at being subtle and not meddling one single bit. You would pat yourself on the back, if your hands weren't full of your matesprit's laundry that she didn't ask you to fold.

 

"Oh fuck, it's my birthday." Rose rolls over in bed and covers her face with her blanket. "No no no nooooooooo," Rose groans into the fabric.

 

"Rose, are you okay?" You leave the laundry half-folded on the floor (scandalous!) and sit beside her on the bed, laying a hand on her shoulder.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just sorta want to stay in bed and not get up until it’s tomorrow.” You still have no idea why Rose hates her wriggling day so much. Did she celebrate it like Karkat and spend the day consumed in negative feelings? That would explain why she doesn't want any positivity from her friends: it would be insensitive to her personal traditions. Whatever it is, you know better than to press the issue.

 

“Well, you can do whatever you want to do, Rose. That’s one of the good things about being on this meteor. No responsibility.” Rose peeks out at you from under the blanket and gives you a small smile.

 

“No responsibility indeed.” Rose sits up and pulls the breakfast tray into her lap. This is progress. “I’ve decided today’s going to be a lazy day for me. No working on the records, no projects, no nothing. Right now I just want to be an idle teen for right now and waste away my precious youth under this blanket.”

 

You spend a good part of the day this way, with Rose in bed with a troll romance novel and you sitting in a chair next to her, working on outfit designs in your sketchbook. Of course, when the afternoon hits and breakfast is but a faint memory, Rose’s “never leaving bed” plan becomes a bit flexible as the two of you head for the lab to alchemize some lunch. In the lab you find Karkat sitting at the table staring intently at his computer, and Vriska and Terezi drawing pictures with magic marker beside him.

 

As Rose browses the alchemy binder, you pick up on some movement in the shadows of one of the hallways leading into the lab. And also some... whispering? Is Dave hiding over there? You walk over to the mouth of the hallway. "Dave, is that y-"

 

"HAAAAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FAVORITE SISTER ON THE PLANET! Or I guess I should say meteor, hah!" Dave jumps out from the hallway, wearing some kind of conical cardboard hat and blowing a red... kazoo, you guess? You watch in horror as Rose knocks over a pitcher of water in surprise, and Rose and Dave both rush to sop it up with the tablecloth. "Oh shit, sorry about the water... So I know you're used to big fancy parties and lots of presents with your mom and everything. And I can't alchemize you a pony--well I guess I technically could. Rose, did you want a pony? Because I only made you this mixtape, but I think it's pretty rad, it has like ten songs on it that I made in that classical style that you like and everything. And we can make a cake and all that shit, and have a real party just like you did at home! Look, I made you one of these rad kazoos to match mine, it's in your favorite color and everything." Dave puffs up his cheeks and blows through the kazoo, producing a harsh, discordant sound. He pauses and looks around at the trolls. "Geez, did everyone else forget? You guys look like you're about to have a group heart attack." Karkat's already making his way out of his chair and across the room to deescalate the situation, probably by yanking Dave out of the room by his collar. Your attention, however, is on Rose.

 

She is _seething._

 

"God fucking dammit, Dave! Did you not get the memo about today through your thick skull? No, of course you didn't, because you never fucking listen to me! Jesus, I don't want your mixtape, I don't want your stupid _kazoo_ , I don't want ANY of it! You're not even my real brother for christsakes! I don't know why I expected anything different from you, you insensitive prick."

 

Dave's mouth is hanging open, and Karkat's pulling him away by the back of his sweater. You can hear him say quietly to Karkat, "What... what did I do?" They both disappear down the corridor, and Rose stomps away to her room. You look over at Vriska and Terezi.

 

"Hahah, shit, Fussyfangs. What a mess, huh?" Vriska goes back to her pirate drawing, and Terezi closely follows suit.

 

You follow Rose down the hallway. It's a good thing that cleaning messes is what you do best.

 

*     *     *

 

You knock on Rose's door, and there's no answer from inside. You push on it anyway, and the door swings open without hesitation.

 

Rose is sitting cross-legged on her bed, turning the cueball she keeps on her bedside table over and over in her hands. She doesn't look up at you when you enter, and you sit beside her wordlessly. It takes a few minutes before she breaks the silence.

 

"Hah. You know, the first birthday I can remember is when I was four. It was just me and my Mom, just like always. And she, y'know, she'd been drinking." Rose's voice sounds small and sad. You listen, silent.

 

"So I didn't understand the concept of what a birthday even was. I mean, I was still just a little kid. And beforehand she'd told me to make a list, like of all the things I wanted. And I put down a bunch of things like books, legos, craft stuff. And when my birthday came, there was just one big present sitting in the middle of our living room. And I was all excited, just breathless and jumping up and down. And I pulled off the wrapping paper, and it was this huge Barbie dreamhouse, and a bunch of add-ons and extra Barbies to go with it. And I was still happy about it, even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted." Rose pulls her knees to her chest and starts to work the cueball in her hands more aggressively.

 

"And she helped me open up all the stuff and get it out, and set up the house and everything. But once it was all out and ready for me to play, I..." Rose laughs. "I started stacking up the boxes and crawling in and out of them. The Barbies were okay, sure, but damn did I like playing with those boxes."

 

"My Mom was furious, and I just didn't know why. She started yelling at me and trying to like, force the dolls into my hands and make me play with her. And I started crying, and she was just yelling and yelling, I had no idea why she was so upset. And after a couple minutes of just screaming and telling me how much I'd hurt her, she gathered up all the Barbie stuff and boxes, and told me to follow her out behind the house. And she made me watch her throw all of it in the dumpster. And then she started crying and told me how I didn't appreciate her, and how bad it makes her feel when I cry, and..." Rose's eyes glisten with tears. "Yeah. All my birthdays were that level of terrible, basically."

 

You wrap your arms around Rose and pull her in to your chest, and she lets you. "I know it's not Dave's fault, and.. I'm sorry I yelled at him..." You stroke her hair with your hand and rock her gently, back and forth. You feel her wet tears soaking into your chest. Rose has always cried in complete silence, and now you know why.

 

After a moment Rose pulls away from your arms, and lets her head rest in your lap, looking up at you. "Yeah. That's why I hate my birthday. I never told anyone about the way my Mom is. Not explicitly, anyway. So I think Dave thinks that I always exaggerated the way she was mocking me all the time. I think he thought... that I just wanted to be a rebel, so I imagined that my Mom was an evil villain so I could feel like I was anti-authority. And I know Dave's Bro wasn't great, either. He never told me but I could just tell, you know? But Dave always acted like his Bro was his idol, so I figured if that was the way he was coping, to just let it be." Rose sniffles, and laughs a bitter laugh. "Listen to me, talking about coping mechanisms. The only reason I ever got into psychology was because of my Mom. I thought that if I just studied enough, I could figure out what made her tick. Like I could understand it and fix it somehow, if I just _knew_ enough. But look where that got me."

 

"Rose, no matter where you acquired your interests, I believe that they're still important. They're still part of what makes up 'you', and I happen to be really fond of your 'you'." Rose smiles up at you, and you smile back.

 

You and Rose sit there for a long time, her head in your lap, you stroking her flyaway hair. You don't know how to even begin to understand what happened to her in her childhood. But you know that you want to do what is best for her, no matter what that might be. After a while, Rose pulls out her phone and starts typing. "I'm apologizing to Dave," she says with a sheepish look on her face. You nod and let her continue in silence.

 

"Kanaya?" Rose looks up at you, and you wait for her to speak. "There is one present from you that I would greatly enjoy."

 

This startles you. "Whatever you want, Rose." Rose raises from your lap and rifles under her bed. What is she doing?

 

She pulls out... her violin case? "Would you sing a song for me?" You feel heat rise to your face. If only she'd asked for something easier, like... a trip to the human beach, or a shiny new space convertible.

 

"R-rose, are you sure-"

 

"Yes I'm sure! Any song you want, I'll pick up the melody and play with you." Rose opens up the case to her violin and plucks at each of the strings. You haven't ever sung with anyone in the same room before, and definitely not someone who is your _matesprit_ of all things.

 

Rose sees the look on your face and takes you by the hand. "I've heard you from your room before, Kanaya. I already know how beautifully you sing." Now you're sure your face is flushing jade. You're starting to regret moving to the block beside Rose's. Damn these metal walls and echo-y vents...

 

"If that's what you really want, then of course I will do it." Oh God, what are you getting yourself into. Rose grins at you and positions her violin at her chin, waiting expectantly. You clear your throat and squint your eyes shut, preparing to sing the only song you really know: a somber lowblood folk song that your lusus taught you all those years ago.

 

_I never asked for this_

_oh, the stars above_

_Never asked for her_

_never asked for love_

_never asked for strength_

_only to be free_

_and I surely know_

_she never asked for me._

 

A few lines in, Rose chimes in with her violin, and the sweet, clear pitch of your voice accents the rich tones of the violin's notes. Rose really can pick up on the melody surprisingly well, and after a minute or two she starts harmonizing, the two of you lost in the music. These metal rooms do have fantastic acoustics, and you can almost feel the notes on your skin.

 

_Never asked for toil_

_never asked for pain_

_never asked for loss_

_never asked for gain_

_never thought that I_

_would fall in love_

_but they proved me wrong_

_those stars above._

 

You repeat the verses once each, and with the slow, drawn-out tempo of the song it lasts for at least a few minutes before the it's over. After one last sad, beautiful note, Rose puts down her violin and wraps you in her arms. "Kanaya, that was amazing! It's the best present I could have gotten."

 

You wrap your arms around her and hold her tight, wispy blonde hair in your face and a bow poking into your side.

 

_Happy birthday, Rose._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahah this chapter was supposed to be a short cute fluffy thing focusing on rose's birthday... but instead it's clocking in at DOUBLE the length of any other chapter in this fic, with a healthy dose of teen angst ft. the rest of the meteor crew!!! i hoped you liked reading it, i loved writing it, please leave suggestions (whether they're ideas for this fic or for a new one, i LOVE getting suggestions and will probably definitely write them) and feedback in the comments! next chapter we're back to our regularly scheduled davekat, and fun with internalized homophobia and quadrant confusion. see you then! 
> 
> update: okay so this next chapter is taking a bit longer, but im still writing it and its gonna be B I G! (and may or may not come w a playlist and shitty drawing) if all goes according to plan this upcoming mega-chapter will be the second to last of the fic, so please stick with me! <3


	8. Close

**⇒ Be Dave.**

 

**\--- turntechGodhead started pestering tentacleTherapist at 9:46 pm ---**

 

TG: hey rose

TG: rose

TG: rooooooose

TG: rose i have news

TG: and i know you love news even though you pretend you dont

TG: rose

TG: rose

TG: news, rose

TG: rose 

TG: ROSE

TT: Fine, I’m here. Good god, you’re persistent.

TT: What’s your news?

TG: i finally got around to alchemizing all my photography stuff

TG: so come down to the lab and get a camera

TG: i made like six extras so everyone can have one

TG: and well have pics to show john and jade when we see them

TG: great idea right

TG: good job dave you did something productive and community-oriented

TG: thanks rose it means a lot

TT: I already take pictures using my phone.

TG: aw cmon what

TG: that kind of amateur shit dont cut it on daves meteor

TT: Oh, it’s Dave’s meteor, is it?

TT: Good to know who’s been in charge all this time. I could have sworn Vriska told me she was leader, and what with that pirate costume she wears it’s hard to disagree.

TG: when it comes to your visual media choices yes it is absolutely daves meteor

TG: just come to the lab

TG: ill let you have first pick

TG: you can take vintage pics of kanaya in her cosplay or whatever

TT: We’ll be down in a minute. Kanaya’s still getting dressed.

TG: she is?

TG: its nighttime

TT: It's her "cosplay". We might be awhile.

TG: gotcha

TT: In the meantime, how have things been going? It’s been awhile since we’ve talked.

TG: things are good

TG: mayors still the best

TG: karkats still karkat

TG: murals comin along swell

TG: beats still hype lines still fire

TG: same as always really

TT: Oh?

TG: what do you mean oh

TT: No recent developments in your personal life?

TG: whats that supposed to mean

TT: Come on, Dave. I’m your sister.

TT: Did you really think you could hide the nature of your relationship with him from me forever?

TT: Of course, I don’t want to pry.

TG: but youre gonna power through it huh

TG: who told you

TT: Ha, no one. I just suspected.

TT: And you just confirmed.

TG: god dammit

TT: Sorry, Dave. Couldn’t help myself.

TT: You know I love news.

TG: just dont fucking tell anyone alright

TG: karkat wants to keep a lid on it and so do i

TT: Oh. Well, it may be a tad too late for that.

TG: seriously??

TG: who did you fucking tell in the three seconds after i “confirmed”

TG: why am i even asking of course its kanaya

TT: She’s squealing into her jabot.

TT: My apologies.

TG: not even gonna ask what a jabot is

TG: just make sure *she* doesnt tell anyone at least

TT: Of course not. Who would she tell? Vriska and Terezi?

TT: I’m still not sure they even know Kanaya and I are together.

TT: Besides, we both support you and Karkat. We just want to see the two of you happy.

TT: I have to admit, I’m proud of how much you’ve matured. I thought it would take you much longer to come to terms with your sexuality.

TT: Kanaya says she is also proud.

TG: jesus christ rose no no no

TG: im not dating karkat youre way off the mark

TT: I am?

TG: me and karkat are together paleways nothin else

TG: you misinterpreted this entire thing just like you misinterpret everything always

TT: Wow, Dave. Harsh. Better call the space medics and tell them that we have a teenage girl on Meteor 7096 who was just thoroughly burned.

TT: You do know that a pale relationship is still a relationship.

TG: yeah like

TG: in the same way that friendship is technically a relationship

TG: its basically like friendship on steroids nothin else

TT: Couldn’t the same thing be said for a human romantic relationship?

TG: well yeah but its different

TG: touching isnt involved

TG: and we dont go on dates so its not dating

TG: its not a romantic attraction thing its a best bros for life thing which means its a whole different bag from human dating and troll hearts and im *not* dating karkat

TT: You’ve picked up Karkat’s method of emphasis through text.

TT: *This thing.*

TT: It’s very sweet.

TG: auuuuuugggghhhhh rose

TG: im not sweet im an immortal god

TT: So am I. And you’re being adorable.

TG: tell kanaya were just palemates or i swear to god i will come down there and stuff her jabot straight up your ass and you really will need a space medic

TT: Also picking up Karkat’s penchant for threats, I see.

TT: Kanaya’s culture doesn’t even have the concept of “gay”, Dave. No one’s judging you.

TT: Definitely not me. Could you imagine?

TT: Looks like it runs in the family. We should throw our own pride parade one day.  

TT: I’ll ask Kanaya to make us some rainbow flags. What’s your opinion on neon speedos and Mardi Gras beads?

TG: ha ha very funny

TG: lets all make fun of dave for being open minded and accepting of alien culture

TG: boy golly this is a real blast

TG: im feelin downright jovial arent you rose

TT: Waxing a bit defensive, are we?

TT: Anyway, I’m just teasing.

TT: Kanaya never misinterpreted the nature of your relationship in the first place. She knew of Karkat’s pale feelings for you before you did, it seems.

TT: Although she has mentioned Karkat’s tendency towards quadrant vacillation, I trust that the two of you are strictly in pale territory.

TT: Mazel tov.

TG: thank god

TG: wait hold the phone

TG: karkats tendency towards quadrant vacillation

TG: you mean like with terezi?

TT: I suppose.

TG: rose you cant just say that and not explain it

TT: You know I’m not one to gossip.

TG: thats just about the biggest load of grade a prime quality bullshit there ever was

TT: If you want to know so badly, ask Kanaya. Although I care for her dearly, she has no qualms about being a busybody.

TG: oh my god rose neither do you

TT: That's neither here nor there. 

TT: Anyway, Kanaya’s still proud of you for opening your mind to the quadrants.

TT: As am I.

TG: well tell her thanks

TG: and just come down here and get your camera

TT: But I still have so many questions!

TT: What’s this I hear about “best bros for life”? What happened to John?

TT: And why do you feel the need to escalate your friendship with Karkat to a quadrant if it’s nothing more than “best bros”?

TG: nope no way not doin this

TG: youre not gonna do that psychobabble freud bullshit this time lalonde im onto you

TG: the lid is back on this shit so tightly its literally dying in the jar from lack of oxygen

TG: just come pick up your cameras so we can go back to never talking about this again forever

TT: Fine. But all will come to light soon enough, Strider. I will have my answers, mark my words.

TT: Imagine some sinister laughter somewhere in there.

TT: We’re on our way to the lab.

 

**\---tentacleTherapist ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 10:15 pm ---**

 

Jesus H. Christ. You scoop up a camera with one hand and fiddle with the aperture.  Rose damn near gives you a migraine every time you talk to her. Are you really picking up so many mannerisms from Karkat? And what _did_ happen to John? You feel guilty just thinking about that. At least you don’t have to worry about keeping your moirallegiance a secret anymore.

 

Rose and Kanaya walk into the lab, whispering to one another, as always. Rose picks out a sleek silver digital camera from the table, and Kanaya a vintage Polaroid. You set Kanaya up with film and show her how to take pictures as Rose messes with the settings on her camera and snaps a few shots of the back of Kanaya’s head. You’re glad that they both have the tact to keep their mouths shut about you and Karkat. When they head back to their rooms you pick up your own camera, the same 35mm dinosaur you’ve had for years, and another sturdy Polaroid for Karkat. Oh, and that plastic toy camera with the fake roll of film that’s actually a tiny slideshow of cartoon pictures. For the Mayor, of course. You leave the rest on the table for Vriska and Terezi, even though you know for a fact they’re just going to take several dozen blurry pictures of one another until they run out of either film or attention span.

 

You peek in on the Mayor. He’s curled up in the corner of his playroom, asleep, like a shiny little angel. You set his toy camera down in the doorway and head back to your room. You check your phone: a message from Karkat.

 

**\--- carcinoGeneticist started pestering turntechGodhead at 10:36 pm ---**

 

CG: YOU DONE HANDING OUT THE CAMERAS?

TG: yep im on the way back

CG: NICE. I’M SETTING UP TITANIC NOW.

TG: aw cmon man

TG: do we have to watch titanic

CG: HEY, I WATCHED ALL OF YOUR LONG BORING ART MOVIES. IT’S MY TURN TO PICK.

CG: I WOULD, HOWEVER, BE OPEN TO WATCHING GOOD LUCK CHUCK AGAIN.

TG: jfc no thank you

CG: YOU SURE? I SAW HOW CHOKED UP YOU GOT LAST TIME.

CG: IT MOVED YOU.

TG: i was trying to keep from laughing

CG: HA, KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

 

**\--- turntechGodhead ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 10:38 pm ---**

 

You grin to yourself and shove your phone back in your pocket. What a dork.

 

At Karkat’s suggestion, the two of you moved to neighboring rooms a couple weeks ago. Apparently it’s something that palemates do pretty frequently, and the two of you are almost always in each other’s company anyway, so why not? It was a lot easier for you to move beside Karkat’s room, since he decorated a bit more liberally than you did (which isn’t saying much). The two of you just hauled over your mattress to the room beside his, and that was that.

 

You round the corner and tug open the door, and Karkat’s sitting on his small couch with his computer on the coffee table. “Hey, man.” Karkat scoots over to make room for you, and tosses half the blanket over you when you sit down.

 

“Are those our cameras?” You hand him the Polaroid and he looks at you through the viewfinder. “Ha, I’ve only seen these in movies. Never used one before.” And you’re temporarily blind from the flash as he presses down the shutter. The photo slides out of the bottom slot, and once you stop seeing spots you pick it up and shake it. It’s a bad picture of you, blurry and washed out. You hand it to Karkat anyway. “Wooooah! This is really neat.” Karkat turns the picture over in his hands. “How many pictures can it take?”

 

“Well, the pictures use up film, but we can alchemize as much of it as we want. Polaroids like this are pretty simple, just load ‘em up with photosensitive paper, point and shoot.” You take the camera from Karkat and snap a picture of him, making him squint from the flash. “See? Here’s you.” You hold out the paper to him.

 

“Huh. I really look like this?”

 

“Well, yeah. Except in color, and bigger. Don’t you know what you look like?”

 

He’s still inspecting the photo, holding it out to the light. “I mean, I’ve seen my reflection in metal and stuff. Mirrors are a highblood thing. Are my eyes this squinty all the time?” You chuckle and nudge him with your elbow.

 

Karkat hands the photo back to you and you shove it in your back pocket. You feel a little self-conscious about all the selfies you’ve taken over the years, and all the time you’ve spent in front of your bathroom mirror perfecting your coolkid poker face, seeing that Karkat’s never even seen himself in a real mirror. You thought all 15 year olds were obsessed with their appearance. You guess it’s different on Alternia, just like the seventy million other things that are different on Alternia.

 

Karkat starts the movie player, and the both of you deliver some top-notch commentary (“Oh man, the couples’ names are ‘Jack’ and ‘Rose’? That’s ten different kinds of fucked up,” “Why does everyone care so much about that rock she throws into the sea at the end? It’s not even a _big_ rock, comparatively,” “Wait, does everyone end up dead? Are those other people servants and maids and bellboys for rich people in Heaven, too? What the hell is wrong with James Cameron?”)  and you enjoy it more than you thought you would. Movies with Karkat are never just movies, they’re more like discussion fuel that sometimes lasts several hours after the actual film is over.

 

"Hey, the main human, Rose. She was 100ish Earth years old when she died, right?" You nod. "How many sweeps is that?" 

 

Ugh, you've always been bad at math. "A sweep is like, two-ish years?" You attempt to do the math in your head, and fail royally. "Hold on, my phone has a calculator on it. Looks like... 100 years is about 46 sweeps." Karkat's face falls. 

 

"Is that... a normal human lifespan?" You nod. "So you and Rose, once the game's over and you god tiers are gone... that's how long you'll live." 

 

"Well, probably. I mean, of course somethin' might kill us, and it's a little different for everyone. But yeah, if everything goes okay, we should live that long. Why?" 

 

 Karkat hesitates. You know that look. "Can we, uh, move to the pile?" You nod. The two of you move over to Karkat's "pile" and burrow down into the blankets and pillows. Following another pale ritual the two of you adopted at Karkat's suggestion, the two of you swap sweaters--the red one Rose made for you for his cancer symbol turtleneck--and you push your shades up into your hair, so that he can see your eyes.

 

His sweater is hot, like it always is, and has a faint smell to it that you can't describe. If you could say it smelled "warm", you would, but that doesn't make any sense. Karkat's body temperature is a lot higher than yours, so you guess it seeps off onto his clothes. You thought the sweater-trading thing was strange at first, but you can see why moirails trade items of clothing during feeling jams now. When you're talking about heavy stuff, it makes you feel secure. 

 

You're still not sure how you feel about the shades thing, though. Everything's so  _bright_ without them on, and you're not used to people being able to see your face. You trust Karkat, of course, but still. Feels weird. 

 

"Dave, you know that...  I'm a mutant blood." Karkat's already having a hard time speaking, his voice sounds strangled and low. The two of you usually have some kind of reason to move to the pile, but something must seriously be up if he's already this upset. "And that lifespans get shorter and shorter as you go down the spectrum, and, rustbloods only live about a dozen sweeps." It takes you a minute to realize what this means. Oh shit. _Shit_. You didn't realize... In human terms, that's what, 25 years? And Karkat would be even less than that. Your blood starts to run cold. 

 

 "So, I try not to think about it, but. I'm not... gonna be sticking around that long." Karkat's face is squinching up, and his voice starts to shake. He looks so small, shoulders hunched in, head lowered. "Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin movie night, I don't know why I'm bringing this up now, fuck..."

 

"Hey, no, don't say that. You didn't ruin anything. C'mere, it's okay." You wrap your arms around Karkat and pull him into your chest. Over the weeks, hugs with Karkat have become a regular occurrence, and you figure this is a pretty damn good occasion for one. "Fuck, Karkat, I'm so sorry, I didn't know." You can't tell if he's crying with his face buried in your shoulder, but you wouldn't blame him a single bit if he did. You can't even imagine what this feels like. Christ, you can't believe he's held it together all this time. You rub his back, up and down, and bury your chin in his thick hair.

 

After a minute he pulls out of the hug, but still stays close to you, leaning on your chest with his shoulder. You wrap your arm around his back to support him. His face is blank now, and he wasn't crying, his face isn't wet. You figure he's had a lot of practice keeping it in. 

 

"I'm okay, I'm fine. Hah." Karkat's smiling an empty smile. "Thanks." You nod. You know Karkat likes to monologue about his problems, just like you do, and in times like this you keep quiet and wait until he's ready to talk. 

 

It takes a minute, but "Yeah, I dunno. I might literally die tomorrow, you know? Before my second pupation even. People like me aren't supposed to be around in the first place, so who the fuck knows how long our average lifespan is when we're culled on-sight anyway. And I never god tiered like you or Rose or fucking Vriska, so I might die in the boss fight. And even though Terezi and Kanaya didn't god tier either, they're good fighters and gonna live for a hundred sweeps, at least, just based on blood caste." Karkat stares past you, off into the distance. 

 

"You know, moirails are supposed to be fated partners and everything. Like, destined to be together, forever. Trolls don't usually find quadrantmates very far outside of their blood caste, because of that. Lots of trolls believe that when mates are reincarnated, they find each other in each life, if it's really 'meant to be'. Of course, I never gave any weight to any of that stuff. Ancestors and all that, it's just highblood bullshit to make them feel special. I always thought that once you die, it's over, you don't come back."  

 

Karkat looks up at you. "Before, I didn't care too much. About like, dying. It would have been a relief, honestly, to finally get it over with. But now... I don't want to leave. And I still think reincarnation is stupid, but... God, this is sappy." Karkat laughs at himself, and you squeeze him a bit tighter. You don't want him to die either, of course you don't, don't even want to  _think_ about it, god. You don't want him to have to think about it, either. 

 

"Hey, you know, you're here now. And you're not dying in any kind of fight, I'm not gonna let that happen. And we're gonna make every day you got a good day, okay? And I know it might not help, but humans don't know when they're going to die either. Like yeah, a good lifespan's 80 years or so, but we get sick and die all the time. Me an' Rose might up and have a double heart attack at 30, we don't know. So you can't live your life worrying about it, okay?" You feel Karkat nod into your chest. 

 

Karkat pulls away from you and moves to face you. "I'm happy here with you, Dave. Really. I know I bitch and moan a lot about literally everything under the stars, and it sucks for both of us, being on a meteor with nothing to do. But I've never been happier than now, here with you. Even when we're just drawing together, or watching movies, or something else dumb... I don't know." His face is close to yours, really close. You can feel his body heat radiating off of him. His hand reaches up, hesitating, resting lightly on the side of your face. "You're just... really special to me. I mean it." 

 

Your throat starts to tighten. No one's ever touched you like this. And he's looking at you all weird, and his face is getting closer, eyes half-lidded, and _what's he doing, surely he isn't..._  You're getting a sudden urge to ollie right the fuck out of there, not because you're afraid or anything, of course you're not scared, he's just so  _close_ and  _Striders dont let people get close_ and where the _fuck_ are your shades?

 

"Yeah, me too," you manage to say, and quickly stand. Karkat's eyes open and you start pulling his sweater over your head, and your shades get tangled in it as well as your arms. "Hey, I'm just gonna, I gotta, um, go." You jam your shades back onto your face and leave the sweater in the pile, making a beeline for the door. "I'll see ya later, okay?"  

 

You can hear Karkat calling from behind you, "Wait, Dave, where are you going? I didn't mean to-" but you're already out the door and down the hallway, chanting "shit, shit, oh fuck" under your breath, headed the only place you know to go. 

 

You're still breathing heavy when you yank open the door. "Hey, buddy. Howzit goin'?" The Mayor waves his toy camera at you, then points it at you to take a "picture". When he's not looking, you discreetly lock the door to the playroom behind you. You walk over beside him to sit down, and take deep breaths. Noticing your distress, the Mayor pats you on the shoulder with his little hand, and you rub his shiny head in return. You feel a bit better, but still guilty about leaving Karkat like that. After a minute, you take out your phone and pull up Pesterchum. No messages from Karkat. 

 

 

**\--- turntechGodhead started pestering grimAuxilatrix at 1:09 am ---**

 

TG: heeeey kanaya

GA: Hello Dave

GA: To What Do I Owe The Pleasure

TG: nothin much just wanted to chat

TG: whats up with you

GA: Nothing Really

GA: I Am Continuing My Work On A Gown For Rose

GA: She Is Reading On The Chaise Beside Me

GA: Its Peaceful And Quiet As Ususal

TG: haha nice

GA: What Is Up With You Dave

GA: Is Everything Alright

TG: yeah everythings good

TG: straight up peachy

TG: i just have something i wanted to ask you

GA: Yes Ive Been Expecting Your Question

TG: you have

GA: Rose Told Me Youd Probably Come Talk To Me Soon

GA: About Karkat

TG: of course she did

TG: why do i even talk to you guys separately

TG: might as well start up a group chat for flighty broads and dudes who cant keep any secrets

GA: I Can Do That If You Want

TG: no kanaya im okay

TG: anyways

TG: rose told me you said something about karkat and quadrant vacillation

TG: and i know what happened with him and terezi but

TG: idk do you think that was a one time thing or like

TG: a recurring phenomenon

GA: You Mean Do I Think Karkat Will Attempt To Push Your Relationship Into Another Quadrant

TG: wow

TG: yeah basically

TG: i dont know why i try to put anything past you guys

GA: Yes We Are Very Sharp

GA: Um

GA: I Am Tempted To Be Dishonest With You Dave

TG: oh

TG: well please dont i guess

GA: I Really Do Want To See Your And Karkats Relationship Flourish

GA: And I Care For Karkat Dearly

GA: Platonically Of Course

GA: But I Do Have Reason To Believe That Karkat Will Try To Pursue A Relationship With You Outside The Confines Of Your Current One

GA: Karkats Never Entered A Relationship In Any Quadrant Where His Feelings Stayed In That Quadrant

GA: And Not Just Quadrant Vacillation Either

TG: wait woah

TG: not just quadrant vacillation whats that supposed to mean

GA: Karkat Has

GA: Some Difficulties

GA: Well

GA: Im Not Sure How To Say This Exactly

TG: just spit it out kanaya

TG: im a grown dude i can take it

GA: Very Well

GA: Just Dont Let This Change Your Opinion Of Him As A Person

GA: Karkat Just Feels Things Very Strongly

GA: So

GA: Of Course I Have No Way Of Knowing This For Certain

GA: But Hes Most Likely Going To Want You In All The Quadrants

TG: um

TG: what does that mean, like

TG: switching between red and black and pale and grey

GA: Well Not The Ashen Quadrant

GA: That Ones For A Third Party And Probably Doesnt Apply In This Situation

TG: so he wants to flip flop between red pale and black?

TG: kanaya i cant do that

TG: no one is THAT culturally accepting jesus christ

GA: Remember When I Said “Not Just Quadrant Vacillation”

TG: yeah

GA: Yes Well

GA: That Still Applies

GA: If What Im Predicting Is Correct

GA: In A Way, Karkats Going To Want To Share All Of Your Quadrants

GA: All The Time

TG: barring the fact that i dont even really know what that means

TG: is that even possible

TG: i mean he talked about wanting terezi “all to himself” at one point

TG: but can that even be a relationship that actually happens

GA: Historically Yes

GA: The Most Well Known Example Is Karkats Ancestor Himself

GA: The Sufferer

TG: i got no clue who that is

GA: Yes Karkat Doesnt Much Care For Him

GA: Hes Basically Troll Jesus

TG: holy shit karkats a reincarnation of troll jesus

GA: Indeed

GA: They Are Both Great Leaders

GA: Although Their Styles Differ A Bit

TG: wait wait wait hold on

TG: i need like

TG: time to process

GA: Of Course

GA: Take Your Time

TG: so what im gettin from this is

TG: karkats gonna want to date me not just paleways

TG: but three separate ways at the same time

TG: also hes jesus??

GA: Not Quite

GA: Well On The Jesus Part Yes

GA: Rose And I Have Talked About This Subject At Length

TG: of course you have

GA: And We Believe That Karkats Romantic Feelings By Nature Transcend The Quadrant Grid Itself

GA: Its Fascinating

GA: And Mirrors The Fabled First Ship Of His Ancestor Before Him

GA: We Believe That The Nature Of Karkats Romantic Feelings Are In Fact The Basis For Human Romance

GA: Pale Red Black

GA: They Are All Merely Facets Of The Way Human Mates Feel For One Another

GA: And Your Reproductive Process Is Reflective Of This

GA: Its A Miracle Trolls And Humans Are Sexually Compatible With One Another At All

TG: nope nope nope stop talking

TG: dont wanna know how you know that

GA: Whoops Sorry

GA: Ha Ha

TG: so youre saying

TG: karkat wants to human date me

GA: Yes I Think So

GA: But Would It Really Be That Bad Dave

TG: yes! i dunno!

TG: i guess its less scary than him wanting to 3xtrolldate me 

TG: but idk if i would want

TG: ugh

TG: jfc

TG: i think he just tried to kiss me and im lowkey freakin out kanaya what do i do

GA: If I May

GA: I Personally Think You Should Talk To Karkat

GA: About What Both Of You Are Feeling

GA: But It Looks As If

GA: Youre Not Sure What Youre Feeling

GA: And No One Is Judging You Here

GA: I Promise I Wont Tell Rose What You Say

GA: If You Want An Impartial Sounding Board For Your Feelings

GA: I Am Probably Your Best Option Right Now

GA: I Dont Mind At All

TG: uh

TG: how do i know for sure you wont tell rose

GA: We Trust One Another To Do What Is Best For Our Friends

GA: And Sometimes That Involves Secret Keeping

GA: Even From Each Other

TG: okay

TG: i believe you kanaya you seem like a p trustworthy gal

TG: so

TG: karkat

TG: weve been palemates for a while and thats nice

TG: i like talking to him

TG: i want him to be happy and safe and feel good

TG: etc

TG: hes my best friend

TG: i want it to stay that way

TG: basically forever

TG: i mean i know johns gonna be back in a few years

TG: and we were best friends before i knew karkat

TG: and dont get me wrong  i still want to be his best friend

TG: but like

TG: him and karkat are two totally different dudes okay

GA: How So

TG: not even mentioning all the differences in their personalities

TG: eg most of the time john doesnt give a fuck and karkat gives too many fucks

TG: karkats like

TG: always asking how i am and how i feel

TG: and other stuff about like

TG: my personality

TG: like hes still a straight up wacky dude no question

TG: and sometimes we fight

TG: even though me and john never did

TG: but the way me and john were with each other

TG: it was always just talking about dumb movies and video games

TG: surface stuff you know

TG: he was always just so oblivious

TG: i dont know if he was ever capable of like

TG: caring a lot for anyone

GA: Did You Care A Lot For John

TG: yeah

TG: probably too much honestly

TG: i cared about what he thought of me a lot

TG: like if he thought i was a "cool dude"

TG: he probably never gave it a second thought

TG: what i thought about him, i mean

GA: What Did You Think About Him

TG: well

TG: i thought he was a dork

TG: but a genuine guy

TG: who wants people to laugh and feel good

TG: i liked him a lot

TG: and i wanted him to like me

GA: Was It In The Same Way You Liked Rose

TG: hahah no way

TG: rose was somethin else

TG: we would still talk all the time

TG: but i could never tell her all the stuff i told john

TG: like rose and jade were my friends

TG: and i cared about them a lot and still do

TG: but i used to stay up and talk to john for hours

TG: even after hed left the chatroom

TG: all my jokes

TG: my stupid raps

TG: every music file i ever made

TG: i just felt like, you know

TG: john has to see this

TG: i just wanted him to “get it”

TG: i wanted him to get, like

TG: what i was trying to tell him with all those thousands of messages

TG: hahah

TG: how stupid is that

TG: of course he never did

GA: Dave Have You Ever Considered

GA: That Maybe Your Feelings For John Went Beyond Regular Friendship

TG: yeah

TG: yeah, of course

TG: and the straight up fact of the matter is that they did

TG: and that he never felt anywhere close to the same way

TG: hell, im not sure if he even could feel that way about another person

TG: girl, boy, me, not me

TG: i think maybe john is just meant to bumble through life alone

TG: just bein a goofy dude who likes ghostbusters and pranks

TG: and my feelings about him were my own problem

GA: Im Sorry Your Feelings Went Unrequited

GA: I Have Personal Experience With How Awful That Feels

TG: oh yeah, with vriska?

TG: yeah man that sucks

TG: i bet rose is a better gf than someone who spends every day in pirate cosplay though

GA: Ha Ha Yes Absolutely

GA: Sorry Go On

TG: haha anyways

TG: yeah ive never told anyone how i felt about john

TG: even karkat

TG: idk

TG: i just feel like somehow id be like

TG: betraying john

TG: if i started feeling the same way towards anyone else

TG: which is so beyond stupid

TG: because hes not here and also doesnt care even a little

TG: maybe im still holding out hope deep down

TG: yknow, maybe that when he comes back

TG: things will be different

GA: Will Things Really Be Different

TG: of course not

TG: hes gonna be spending three years without me

TG: if he didnt know before hes not gonna suddenly know in a couple years

TG: which is why im being dumb

GA: Dave Your Feelings For John Are Still Valid Even If He Doesnt Reciprocate

GA: But Maybe You Ought To Try To Consider Your Feelings Towards Karkat Just As Valid

TG: sigh

TG: yeah

TG: dammit

TG: why is this so hard

GA: Because Pining After Someone Who You Know In Your Heart Will Never Feel The Same Way Hurts

GA: But Its Familiar And Comfortable

GA: You Have The Same Feelings As Always

GA: They Have The Same Feelings As Always

GA: Your Relationship Doesnt Change

GA: Moving Away From That Familiar Pain And Into A Position Where Your Feelings Are Reciprocated

GA: Especially When That Person Is In Your Physical Presence

GA: Is Much Harder

TG: damn kanaya

TG: spittin that straight truth

TG: youre so much better at this therapy biz than rose

GA: Ha Ha

GA: Dont Tell Her That

TG: dont worry i wont

TG: i dont want my eyes gouged out in the night or anything 

GA: Dave

GA: Would You Mind Telling Me

GA: How You Feel About Karkat

GA: Truly

TG: well ive already poured like 3/4ths of my heart out already

TG: why not go for the whole cup amirite

TG: karkat

TG: cares about me more than probably anyone else ever has

TG: nah screw probably

TG: more like definitely

TG: even about the littlest things

TG: like he knows i like my coffee with chocolate syrup in it

TG: and goes out of his way not just to make it for me, but make it the way i like

TG: you already know he stayed up for like three straight days trying to alchemize apple juice for my bday

TG: which is ridiculous and i still dont know why he did it

TG: um

TG: he reads me to sleep when i have bad dreams

TG: and hes so bad at drawing, hah

TG: it looks like little kid scribbles

TG: but its really cute

TG: i caught a peek at one of his drawings once 

TG: he didnt know i saw it

TG: it was us walking between some weird looking trees, holding hands

TG: at night, im pretty sure?

TG: and there were two moons

TG: so i guess it was alternia

TG: i never thought hed be homesick for that place

TG: but maybe he wanted to show it to me

TG: or maybe its what he thinks earth is like?

TG: if so i need to teach him some more stuff about earth

TG: hold on i have a pic of it here

TG: <http://imgur.com/a/KCuyt>

GA: Dave

GA: Thats So Adorable I Might Cry

TG: right?

TG: anyways

TG: i dunno

TG: the only real difference between what me and karkat have been doing and human dating 

TG: other than the general context

TG: is touching

TG: and idk how i feel about that

TG: ive never really dated someone before

TG: me and terezi flirted or whatever

TG: but she lost interest once she started paledating vriska and thats the closest i ever got

GA: Have You Not Touched Karkat At All Before

GA: Nonsexual Touch Is Customary In Pale Relationships

TG: i mean yeah theres that

TG: we hug and whatever

TG: and thats good

TG: his torso is really soft

TG: and nice

TG: his hands are warm

TG: his whole body is warm actually

TG: hes like a space heater is that a troll thing or what

GA: Metabolic Rate Is Dependent On Blood Caste

GA: Karkats Body Temperature Would Be Abnormally High For A Troll

TG: gotcha

TG: yeah

TG: i dunno

TG: id be lying if i said being close to karkat felt bad

TG: it makes me feel sort of like on the inside, im full of maple syrup

TG: not the cheapo runny kind either

TG: the crazy thick aunt jemima kind

TG: takes like 5 whole minutes to get it out of the bottle and onto your pancakes

TG: and then youre like damn that was worth the wait thanks auntie j

GA: You Lost Me At That Last Part

TG: hah dont worry about it

TG: yeah

TG: keep this top secret but

TG: ive never even held anyones hand before, romanticways

TG: much less done anything beyond that

TG: so im really not sure how i feel about doin that with karkat

GA: Really

GA: Dont Humans Experience Romantic Attraction

GA: Wouldnt You Know If You Were Attracted To Karkat In That Way

TG: well yeah

TG: but those feelings are complicated

TG: like sometimes you dont wanna deal w them and end up convincing yourself

TG: that you either dont have them or theyre somethin else

TG: like just intense friendship

TG: or being desperate because the only girls in a literally billion acre radius are either gay aliens or your sister, who is also gay

TG: and then the line between how true each of those options are gets hella blurred

GA: I See 

GA: Sort Of

TG: how did you know for sure you liked rose redways

GA: Well

GA: Dave I Am Not Sure That Is A Story You Would Like To Hear

GA: Although She Did Make Me Feel Quite Special On The Inside Also

TG: STOP

GA: Ha Ha Sorry

GA: Couldnt Pass That One Up

TG: dont blame you tbh that was a good one

TG: ugh

TG: i just dont wanna lead karkat on and then figure out i dont want the same things he wants

GA: I Think The Solution To That

GA: Is Maybe To Talk To Him About What The Both Of You Want

GA: And Be As Honest As Possible Even If It Might Conflict With His Wants

GA: Are You Any More Certain Of Your Feelings Towards Him After Our Discussion

TG: …

TG: yeah, a little

TG: but its kinda hard to swallow

TG: i never thought id be in a position where i even COULD have a relationship with a guy

TG: and im not even sure that i am now

TG: like who the hell knows if karkat even likes me that way for sure or if im just reading too far into it

TG: and if i do human date karkat does that make me gay? was i already gay because of john? who fuckin knows

TG: idk if im ready to deal w that specific can of psychological worms

GA: If It Makes You Feel Any Better Dave

GA: There Are Six People On This Meteor

GA: Four Of Them Have No Concept Of Sexual Orientation

GA: And One Is Human Gay

GA: The Other Is You

GA: That Means That The Only Person In A Position To Cast Any Judgement On How You Feel Is You

TG: huh

TG: guess youre right

TG: thanks a lot kanaya

TG: for listenin to me rant about quadrants and maple syrup

TG: you really helped a ton

GA: Its My Pleasure

GA: And Your Secrets Are Safe With Me

TG: seriously, thanks

TG: im gonna go talk to karkat now

TG: i left him in the middle of a feels jam hes probly freakin out

GA: Okay

 TG: wish me luck

GA: Good Luck Dave

 

**\--- turntechGodhead ceased pestering grimAuxilatrix at 2:03 am ---**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! so this chapter ended up being reeeeallly long so im splitting it up! the next one will be out soon, thanks so much for reading, please leave feedback and suggestions in the comments! <3


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